Tree

I have been woken by a sleeping sneeze...

Spring is 4 days old...and it's COLD...

I lie in bed listening to the soft soaking rain...the kind of rain that brings life...

like only the rain can... it has been falling for hours now...there's no anger there...

only peace...

I am compelled to pray...

I pray for those hurting right now...

I feel their sadness too...

Two mothers have had to say goodbye to children...

Children have mothers no more...

I don't know which is more tragic to me :(

As i pray i see a tree in my minds eye...

And i do mean a tree people...

The kind that takes your breath away...

A thick strong unmovable base that is the start of the tree we see...

Branches reaching up towards the blue...covered in...

Young fresh green leaves...lots of them...Spring leaves i'll call them...

As i watch i see a limb pruned away and there is loss...

and it's had to bare...

Our life is like a tree i think to myself...

We start out small...really really small...

and then we grow...

it takes time...

we grow in both directions...up and down...

We bud and burst...

Blossom even...

Other times...

Our leaved change colour...dry up...

An Autumn wind rushes through our branches...

and just like that we are bare....

naked for all to see...

dormant...

The hard times never last though...

Time really does heal...

Soon we are being stretched... and we grow...

hard times have a way of doing that don't you think...

Little things like ants and termites...are daily annoyances...

Then we loose a limb...

Now that's sore...

We feel that right down to our roots...

And for a minute our tree is in jeopardy...

Healing Happens

And birds visit and sit for a while on our branches...

Rains pass through...

Winds do too...

High up there where no man can see without taking a lot of trouble...

There is new life in our tree...eggs in an untidy nest have hatched...

and there is work to do...

More of the same...

We grow...

We smile...

We cry...

We help...

We wait...

We give...

We get...

We celebrate...

We mourn...

We live and we learn...

We. Are. Bound.

Hi :)

 For real i wanna know...

how many of these are there...!?

These uncomfortable... yet familiar...

 bitter-sweet milestones...these raw mothering moments...

Quite a few it seems...

I have 3 children...

It seems easier...just by a fraction though...moving through seasons...

 with the big kids who are 20 and 17 now...

But not with my Bradley...
He is... my baby still...

It's been coming over me for a while now...

this bruised heart still beating feeling...
 as this season's end draws together the untidy somewhat frayed edges of this year...

I've been sensing it's arrival with trepidation... for weeks now...

Like watching a storm roll in from a great distance...

The clouds... building on the horizon

The dust... being kicked up

The distant rumble of... thunder
and then...

The lightning flash... white hot  

It's all too deja vu now...

I've felt it all before...

Being someone who...
 marks time well in this motherhood journey...

I'm not one who is afraid of going 'deep' where my loves are concerned...

These seasons...they mean too much for me to treat them so callously...

As this year 2015 draws to a close...

My feeling of loss has grown stronger...

Change is coming once more...

Junior Primary with it's time for...

being little...

sounding little...

acting little...

has reached it's end...

At the start of this...
  a very specific amount of days was measured out to us...
 in which to live out our lives...

Where teaching happens if you are lucky...we were lucky...
where friends are made and lost daily...
where 'the rules' are... followed-broken-followed every hour...

where bells ring long and breaks are way short...
school life... on repeat.

Bradley is fast running out of days to run around the 'little kid side' of the school...

The 'moving on to bigger things storm' is fast approaching...

The clap of thunder is loud in my ears...

I feel the relentless winds... tugging my heart open...

The white hot lightning strikes... light up our sky...

Today when i stood in our quiet kitchen...flooded with sunlight...
a place that has seen many hours of homework... 

the storm broke...over me...and in me...and it broke me.

I held this years workbooks in my hands...

paging slowly through each one...remembering...

And i saw all the words written in pencil...awkwardly at first...then neater... 

words on every line...

Like precious etchings they are to me...for they tell a story...his story...

A story of when he was but 8 and 9
 and little for only a while longer...

Those books actually felt heavy in my hands...weighted...
 because i know of the frustrated struggle woven into each sentence...

the torturous triumph behind each maths sum...

I am... as always the sentinel to the integrity of his story...

I am the record keeper...

Their stories are engraved on my heart
like a tattoo... 

And my heart bled just a bit...
for this year's sands slipping away like silk...

The winds of time are snatching and scattering the sands of this year far and wide...
and there is nothing i can do... but to watch in fascination...
 the 'way' they blow from here to there...
and i'll see where they fall...


These grains that are always hurrying on their way... never slowing...
never resting... catch a little bit of sunlight every so often...then sparkle back at me...

Other times beautiful patterns in the sands i see...

Sometimes they sting my skin...like a windy day walk on the beach...

It wasn't the best year...
but it was ours...
his and mine...

 There were times of...
stress
worry
anxiety
joy
 happiness
success

We had them all and probably more...

This year among the usual things... he learned to try, try, try

Today [before i held those books] as we drove that well known road home...
 i called out to him

"Well Bradley we survived grade 3"

 and i was proud...

Because that's life hey...a mixed bag...

Ps

What an unspeakable privilege it is to be... a mom
To be 'there for them' and 'there with them' through... all of it...
every step of the way...

Because yes it must be nice to live a charmed life...
Well i can only imagine at that...

But... in the trenches together...
That the real deal my dear

Those are the ties that bind...
and

 we.
 are.
bound.


 Me and my very cohesive little family


Pps

One thing that has grown me more...

 as a woman
as a wife
as a mother

Is 'the struggle'...
because there you are...

 actively learning...

engaged in...

...becoming.

The prayer circle I am drawing around Bradley for 2016 is Bold

Up...up and away...

I watched a vlog the other day...i like vlogs!

A mama and her girl...

The first day of school...

Most mothers know...

The bitter-sweetness of it all...all of the time!

Anyway the video is put to music...a song i've never heard...

the words go...

"it's the time... to cut you loose..."

It's a lovely song... well picked...

But what really struck me as i watched it...

was that it's actually the time to cut the mama loose...
like...

what if the cut is to the mama most...

the both of them...

one from the other...

We always think about the umbilical cord being cut...and the baby is free...

But what if it's more like...cut the cord and the mama is loosened from her child...
that 'first cut is the deepest'...there is blood and tissue involved here...
we feel as if it's the beginning ['the first time ever i saw your face'...kind of moment]
but it's really the beginning of the end...
but remember...

 endings always bring new beginnings with them...
it a rule!

After that... it's a slippery slope from that moment on though...

The baby is always growing up... up and away...
slowly gently uncurling...the air gets in between...
things need sunlight to begin to grow...and grow fast they do...

Seriously
you'll just blink!...

a never ending separating...
a pulling apart...
a becoming undone and redone...
over and over and over...
forever...

And the mother bears the brunt of this...
the child was made for just such a season as this one...
the mother heart was not.

But mothers are built strong...
weathered and seasoned by
time...storms...smiles and tears... 

And what of the bitter-sweetness....?
yes by that too...

For it becomes a sometimes loud - sometimes quiet...
 ever constant... companion...
 to any mother worth her salt...  on this epic journey of motherhood.

 It hurts when your children grow up and away...
they have 'growing pains' in their bones...
but mothers have them in their hearts...

and that is as it should be
but it still hurts...and sore is sore!

Post Script
'The first cut is the deepest' a song by Sheryl Crow
'The first time ever i saw your face' a song by Roberta Flack

The song in the vlog...i'm not sure...i didn't have any luck trying to find out.
The vlog was by 'Sam and Nia'

The House Still Sleeps...

The house still sleeps...
It's early as i write this...

I've been awake for a long while...I lay in bed... praying on this cold winters morning...

The man i share this bed with has left for work...poor him!

Beside me now lies my Bradley...

This is a rare thing these days...

It's funny how things that were the norm have now become....not.

I talk to him in a hushed tone...telling him to stay... and sleep some more...

That's when it begins to happen...the magic starts...

I can hear the early birds out in the garden..i wonder what they say...

I hear Monday morning traffic's hum...

I watch for these curtains to loose their cloak of darkness...

I'll watch this room become... all lit up with first light today...

But more than that...oh so much more than that...

I am aware of this warm little boy body curled up against me...

He is dozing on and off...
We speak a few words when his eyes open.

He tells me he'll get up early tomorrow morning to spend some time with his daddy...sweet thing!

Another time he whispers that i must stay awake... but that he can sleep...and i smile...

He turns away from me and his knee bumps my breast and i don't even mind...

He has lovely hair i think...but right now it's not smooth and shiny like it will be later today...

His nose is a little stuffy too...i can hear him breathing as he sleeps...

and my mothers heart files that tiny fact away too...

Then... he must be dreaming...he laughs softly in his sleep...moves and wakes...

I ask .... and he tells me...

The onesie he is wearing for the second winter in a row, will be too small next time around.

This ever growing child of mine...

I try to take it all in... every precious detail of this sacred morning.

The thoughts i'm having are in a blog post form...

and i know i'll write a little something today...that's how it is for me...unpredictable...heartfelt!

I can now feel the pull of my camera too...

I want to get up and out into the cold to fetch it...but i resist for a while longer...

because i know that the moment i do that... is the exact moment the spell breaks... 

 I just want to linger here a little longer...and i do.

I really need to capture this moment though...

it's. a. good. moment. 

I am fully present...

feeling everything...

wanting to write it down...

and take a photo...

This moment must be important to me hey :)

Teachers On The Playground...

I stand...where i always stand...

The sun reaches out to us...her first light is of that most special kind...the golden kind...

The children are all wearing halos today...from where sunbeams... have been woven into their hair...

Precious things that they are...

children... 

and sunbeams...

The air is cool... but there is the whispered promise of warmth still to come as that fiercely glowing orb climbs...high... into the blue...

As is my way...with green eyes...i watch...

There is running and playing going on all around me...

The hum of childhood fills my ears and makes me smile...first quietly...

 on the inside... my soul stirs to life...

and then a short while later that soul-smile has... 

on, up-ed and out...

 It has found a pathway onto my lips and into my eyes...

for surely my eyes must reflect my feelings...

My thoughts start to wander...from the playground under my feet...

away... and onto this page...

I am touched to see the two 'on duty' teachers both bend down to console another mothers child...

One pulls the jacket closed over a little chest...

The other is on one knee...

Both have hands on him...

Both lean in...

and listen...

 and teach...

There is a struggle going on within this child...

Maybe he is cross...

Maybe he just wants his mommy...

I am too far away to know what the matter really is...

But i feel impressed and grateful for the teachers on the playground...

I hope she [each one] knows her worth!

Post Script

Are we not all teachers on the playground of life...

When good things happen i rejoice...i just can't help it :)

I will stand by you...

The sun is warm on my bare shoulders...

The clouds are coming in...but not quite here yet...

The wind is playing with my untamed curls...

Bradley is done with his swim...

He is ice cold to my warm...

I wrap his towel around him...

I have music in my ears...

We stand where the waters are deepest...

He leans into me...

I feel the wetness soak through the faded Barney towel and then against my skin too...

Not for ANYTHING in this world would i break contact...not even if i was wearing silk...

We stand like this and he talks of dragonflies...

My warm hands are on the rounds of his shoulders...cool and smooth...

My legs are cold and rater wet now...

I answer him...

 and listen to the words of the song...

The words of the song are stirring up my emotions...
Rooting me to this spot and in this moment...

"You're not alone...

I will stand by you...

I will help you through...

When you've done all you can do...

and you can't cope...

I will dry your eyes...

I will fight your fight...

I will hold you tight and I won't let go..."

Small arm outstretched... he offers up his palm to the shiny yellow dragonfly...

I know that his invitation will be ignored by the beauty flitting and flying... from here to over there...

But actually it comes quite close...

Only about his grade 2 rulers length from resting....

Together we stand...still hugging...watching and waiting...

while mother nature and mother-love weave us tightly together...

Post Script
Rascal Flatts sings 'I won't let go...'

  

This Hurts So Bad :(

Fresh tears would come in waves today...

Turns would be taken...

I am not really a 'dog person'

BUT

I am SO sad...

In a feeble attempt to avoid the pain i try to tell myself...She was just a dog...

She WAS just a dog - but she was our dog :(

She was my favorite out of the 3 ...

She was a really good mommy to her first and only litter of 5 puppies... so many moons ago... 

When I myself had only 2 young ones to care for...

She took motherhood seriously... just like me and i loved her for it...

We were mothers together her and I.

A great watchdog she always looked out for us...quick to let me know of the goings on in the neighborhood...

She was gentle and loving all these years...

Even this morning still mustering the energy to wag her tail a little bit just for me...

She will be missed around here...

This was our first time...having to have a pet 'put down'...

There were gut wrenching decisions to be made...

I decided some time during the wee small hours that I would stay with her...

That she would hear my soft soothing voice when the time came to leave...

That she would feel my loving hands upon her as she slipped away for good...

I am not sorry we did what we had to do...it was time...

We owed her that...

But i am deeply saddened that she is gone...

The sadness has filled me up... 

 It keeps overflowing out through my eyes and down my cheeks... 

My heart is sore... 

I have come to understand that i am a mother to all...

 the children and animals under this roof...

that must be why this hurts so bad...

***

October 25 2014

Blossom was 13 years old