After a whole day and night of excitement concerning Bianca's results...
I just want to take a few moments...
Because the truth is that all this time my joy has been shot-through with sadness...
It's lovely to be happy with her and for her...
IT IS...
but
this post is for the others...
the one child in our school who didn't pass :( i feel so bad for you...whoever you are...
i hope you know that it's not the end of the world...and that you can recover and still succeed...
the child who got 8 distinctions but lost both her parents in an accident...
how cruel life can be...I hope you will be ok...
the girl who Matriculates and her dad is no longer with her...
your Mom is so brave...
your Dad would have been so proud...
the one family i know of who recently lost their young adult son...
and had to survive their first Christmas and New Year without him...
i am so sorry for your loss...i don't know how you did it...
the one family who also lost a young son to suicide just a few nights ago...
my heart broke when i heard the news...too sad for words :(
how do you go on...?
Mamas having to say goodbye... as precious children go off to study...
but take heart Mamas...hellos are sure to follow... soon i hope!...
there are others... too many to mention...
My heart aches for all of you...
i think of you all so often...
Please Lord God...
draw close to all those suffering...
there are so many Lord...
give them shelter from the storm...
comfort them as only You can Father...
amen
Post Script
I had to write this post because i was hurting in my own way too...
my hope is that now i will have peace...
that in letting these sad feelings become written word...
i will be able to let go...
Something else comes up... before that Caribbean Cruise post i plan to write soon...
hello and welcome...
In a small way i envy those who decide before something even happens...just exactly how they feel about things... because 'they' seem so 'on the ball' don't they....they use their heads...
I am not one of them...I decide without much thought at all...
how I feel... when something is happening to me...
The difference must be in how we decide...I am ruled by my heart...
And my heart causes me some trouble along the way...
This is a defining moment...a moving on and ever forward moment...
a hard moment...
Their paths will all go in different directions right about now...
my daughter and her friends part ways here... at this seemingly unavoidable fork in the road...
High School is behind them and the open road of Life lies before them... calling each one by name...
some are only stretching young as yet untested wings... but others are bravely leaving the comfort and safety of the nest... and their first shaky flight is causing considerable worry and tears all round ...
even for me...
AND i get to keep my little chick for a while longer... but. my. time. will. come.
... and that's why
i am having sympathy pains for the other Mamas i know who are facing a motherhood moment that must hurts like hell...
This is how things stand right now...
Tomorrow we get Bianca-Leigh's Matric results...
My palms just broke out in a sweat...my fingertips leaving wet little dots on the keys of my laptop...
Bianca-Leigh had a rough first 2 terms... working hard but not getting the expected good results...by that i mean...you would be forgiven for assuming that her marks would be of a high standard because she put in real effort... this was not how this story went :( it was SO heartbreaking to hold her while she sobbed...speaking hushed words hope love and pride...my words meant to take the sting out of hers while my heart tried desperately to find an encouraging thought in my dazed mind to grab onto and hold onto for dear life... at first i tried to hide my own tears... to be strong...but in the end i cried too...a tear just slipped out over and down...there is another one now... both eyes filling up and overflowing as i remember that day and that broken conversation in her little car [where else...?] more than 6 months ago... and to watch her bravely recover herself... work harder...try again... it was inspiring stuff... my pride grew along with my respect for her...
a quick thought here...
why does the glory always go to those that 'things' come easily too...
why doesn't the glory go to...
the fighter
the underdog...
the nerd...
the soft hearted one...
the honest one...
the loyal one...
the small one...
the gentle one...
the loving one...
the brave one...
the respectful one...
the humble one...
the peace maker...
the one who isn't vain...
the meek one...
the rule follower...
the one who always does right over wrong...
the one who doesn't cheat...lie or steal...
the one who forgives and forgets...
the one who turns the other cheek over and over...
the one who sacrifices...
the one who fights the good fight but fails anyway...
That's not the way the 'world' works...HEAVEN WILL BE VERY DIFFERENT...
Back to Bianca...
Dread cut like a cold sharp stone in my chest...
when my mother's mind turned to what the rest of the school year would hold for her...
but without us even realizing it at the time...we had hit rock bottom...almost burnt-out...
and now we were on our way back up...the climb had already begun...
her prelims went fine and her finals were without incident...
yes... she couldn't go back and check her answers [like she is used to being able to do]
on some papers due to time running out...
and there were a few tricky questions here and there...
but on the emotional front all was well with her...
She worked harder and longer than i have ever seen anyone work...
and calmness and peace was hers...
You just can't give more than your best now can you..!
now all that's left to do is wait...
...BREAKING NEWS...
at 10:30pm tonight we got Bianca-Leigh's Matric results...
she has passed with admission to Bachelors Degree...
and this may be the last post about 'us' for a while...
Yesterday we took her to see his latest movie...the one about the concert her and i went to see
on Mother's Day in 2013
While it wasn't even half the epic-ness we lived through that day in May :) it was the full-stop...
she was so excited...
Beliebers have such a bond with each other... and him...
they are in a state of constant connected-ness...
always.
The movie was great and shows Justin in all his human-ness ...
The cinema was quite full and added to the atmosphere...which is what Bianca wanted...
the girls cheered every time Justin took off his shirt...
there was talking and laughing... and tears...i cried too...
and they clapped hands when the movie ended...
now you don't see that every day...!
and his message is clear...
believe that you can be ANYTHING you want to be
work very HARD and you will be victorious...
GIVE back when and where you can...
don't believe everything you read/hear about him...
stay humble...
DARE to dream...because dreams DO come true :)
She takes a photo of our ticket...
for her [and me] it's a little bit of real time 'history in the making'...
it's the making of memories for a beautiful life...
and isn't that just how it should be...well that how i want to raise my children...
to have beautiful lives...
oh how fondly her and i will talk and laugh about all these adventures one day...
and when her child too has a dream...Bianca-Leigh will remember that we
were prepared to go to great lengths to see her happy...to be happy with her...
that in the big dreams and the little ones...we were right there by her side...
my thoughts on Miami are that it reminded me a little of being in Durban...
I also felt a deep sense of pride in South Africa...this feeling caught me totally by surprise...
i found myself thinking 'we really can hold our own in the world arena...
we have everything the world has... we r not less than...'
also a profound sadness...made my heart ache...literally...a pain in my chest...
a sadness for how South Africa is always seemingly at risk of tumbling over the edge and into the abyss...
we have everything to lose ... Heaven help us ...
We spent our time shopping at and strolling around the Bay Side Market Place...
which overlooks the Marina ...
and we took a VERY entertaining bus tour of Miami's striking Art Deco District and surrounding areas including the Venetian Pool in Coral Gables,
Little Havana where only adults could enjoy a free shot of very strong Cuban coffee which i absolutely couldn't drink... , we also drove through Coconut Grove where our guide informed us there had been NO crime in the past 30 years...fact or fiction...i am not sure but it sounds great hey :)
and included in the bus tour was a water tour of Biscayne Bay....where we got a good look at the mansions of the rich and famous on Star Island which is an artificial or man made island ...all this cost $60 for the 5 of us...
It was all so brand new... exciting and interesting all at once...
but it has to be said...i most definitely didn't have a chance to totally absorb all that was happening around me because i was mothering my kids and busy being distracted by Bradley...not that i would have it any other way...in fact i wouldn't have done it at all if they couldn't have accompanied us !
Things that struck me as funny or strange or both were...
*At the restaurants at the Bay Side Market Place food could be seen all plated up but not for sale...
like a visual advert of what was on offer in place of a menu...
*The portion sizes were HUGE...and the prices were fair...as far as the dollar goes...
*The day we got on the bus for the tour...my Mom goes and sits near the bus driver... right in front of the large windscreen and i thought "oh my God!!!???!!!???" [sorry] but it really was a decision on her part that i just COULDN'T understand for the life of me...my Mom is an EXTREMELY nervous passenger...and i thought 'oh crap'...here we go...Mom's gonna freak out here on this bus in Miami today...lol...
but she was ok...go figure!?!
*On our last morning in the Holiday Inn the staff in the dining room tried to oooh and ahhh over Bradley and sent him running [as fast as an 18 month old can run anyway] back into my arms lol it was FUNNY they were loud and were waving their arms around wildly and he was just hysterical about it...lol
*I also threw my very own hormonal temper tantrum when we were not allowed to sit near the water and have our drinks because we were not eating a meal...in other words we only ordered drinks and were then asked to move...stinks! and we spent our dollars somewhere else...later my Mom commented a little shocked that i was being 'very aggressive' lol in my defence... i was under a little bit of strain if u don't mind :)
*On this same day the 2 older Dads got lost/separated from us and almost caused us to miss our bus tour which we had paid for already ...that was fun exciting stuff i must say... and as i was still feeling 'aggressive' had had a few words to say about that too...lol
*When i think back i am flabbergasted that we drove down the famous Ocean Drive running parallel to the just as famous Miami South Beach...which we never did see or visit :( we really want to remedy that ... but at the time there just wasn't enough time ...
Photo Time
our little group of intrepid travelers :)
we consumed plenty of virgin daiquiris...yum
Brandon buys Nachos :)
Strawberry...my fav...
Pina-colada ... her fav...
Some Art Deco anyone...?
2 minutes to myself... didn't last though...
Bradley just stayed there for the photo...
back to the shops...
Ed must have been pushing the stroller here...
not a great photo...i wasn't a shutterbug yet :)
Me trying on Forrest Gump's shoes ... see his suitcase and the famous box of chocolates next to me on the bench...
Forrest Gump:
My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
Way back in early 2007 ... Edwin my husband started talking about going on a family holiday [is there any other kind...not for us anyway] to Disney World in Orlando Florida...and i was horrified...yes u read right... HORRIFIED !!!
At first i thought... Ja Ja ... never gonna happen! too expensive...
But 'it' just didn't go away... like i fully expected 'it' to...
The seed had taken root...become a seedling...and next thing 'It' was ON...!!!
I can clearly remember feeling ticked-off with him...and telling friends about this crazy plan for a holiday my husband had dreamed up....Here's why i thought he was a little nuts...
U see we live in South Africa... and that's a 24hour flight [at that stage]
with refueling in Dakar and a connecting from Atlanta to Miami...
oh yes i forgot to tell u...we were first set to go on what was at that stage one of the 2 LARGEST CRUISE SHIPS IN THE WORLD [Royal Caribbean's ...the Freedom Of The Seas...] for a 7 day cruise of the Caribbean...
A dream holiday surely?!.... i hear u saying...
the part of this puzzle u still do not have is that Bradley was ONLY 18 MONTHS OLD at the time...
and still breastfed...
**YIKES**
I am the kind of person who goes with the flow...pretty much...
if the kids can come....i'll go ...
but it was rather a daunting thought...and the logistics were hectic people...hec-tic...
Soon we had both sets of Grandparents on-board if you'll excuse the pun...lol
Edwin's parents traveled alone...and met up with us in Miami...
My Mom and Dad were with us all the way...
U might be thinking...many hands to help Charmaine with the Baby...
u would be OH SO wrong...!!!
Not that they all didn't try...but it was no use...all 3 my kids were extremely bonded to me...
me and my boobs :) I am one LUCKY mommy...read...I am one LUCKY mommy :)
for real...
Anyway...our epic holiday began with a hour long drive to the airport...in a van we hired...
4 adults 2 kids and 1 baby...
lots of luggage...the reclining stroller and Bradley's car seat...in tow
the car seat was for the flights...because even though we did buy him his very own seat on the plane...
i still wanted him buckled into his car seat too... well this plan didn't work and we had to ask the Air Hostess to store it for us... i also wanted him to be properly buckled up on the roads in the USA...
I will say this about air travel with such a small child...it's WORK but totally doable also :)
they DO NEED their own seat.... that's for sure.
So off we went... our weird little band of.... about-to-be world travelers :)
one fearless, very organised leader very intent on leading [Ed] 2 totally awestruck pensioners if a little weary at times [my parents]
1 worried/stressed/harassed but in a calm kind of way... Mama [me] 1 twelve year old [Bianca] a 9 year old [Brandon] who alternated between excitement and nerves in equal measure and an at times overwhelmed Bradley [18months]
a VERY excited but still totally weird little group
and so this is how our adventure began...
and lets just be honest an adventure is all of those things...
highs and lows....highlights and low-lights...all in the mix...
Our little group of intrepid travelers filled up a whole line of seats ...the not so big then big kids at the window seats on my left...then myself and Bradley next to me in the middle with Edwin ... and my parents on the window seats next to Edwin...
Bianca and Brandon saw a little red light through their window and got a fright ...
Bianca said "we r going to die...."
as it was a nighttime flight out... that little red light on the wing looked rater ominous to them...
and i had to reassure them both... while feeling a little afraid of what lay ahead myself...
not easy...
About flying... Bradley was ok during the flight as long as he wasn't restricted to being buckled up for too long...read... he cried every time we landed or took off :( he slept very well for hours and hours actually...fully stretched out over my seat and his...so that means i didn't sleep much or sit comfortably hey ... but thankfully we had a safe flight and landed at Atlanta airport....when we had only roughly 1 hour to catch our connecting flight to Miami...not much time let me tell u...because that place is big....BIG and busy!!!
We also road a FAST train from one side of the airport to the other...u really had to hold on to keep from falling down...
My Dad got pulled aside and questioned during a security check...that was a little scary...
and because he had done some tile grouting without gloves recently...his fingerprints wouldn't scan...lol...
and we had to go through all the strict American airport security check points...taking shoes off and on again...and and and...what an experience it was...all the while keeping track of 2 older folks and 3 kids...and the pram and the car seat and all 11 pieces of luggage...no mean feat!!! Another moment that stands out at Atlanta was when we received our bags off the plane 1 of our bags had been opened and searched...for what i don't know as we followed all the baggage rules to the letter...not wanting trouble of any kind...we were all a little shocked and upset at this...while i was frantically checking if anything had been removed ...for a minute my attention was obviously not on Bradley ... when suddenly i look for him and when i couldn't spot him immediately... fear grabbed my heart and squeezed HARD and i asked loudly "where's Bradley?" all eyes searched around quickly for the shortest among us...he was nowhere nearby...just as i felt myself about to loose my grip on calmness...thinking we are at an AIRPORT!!!...if he has been 'taken' he could be removed to anywhere in the world....we'll never find him...and that was the moment when Brandon my 9 year old decided it may be a good time to let us all in on the 'joke' that he was hiding Bradley [who was standing right there but behind Brandon and between 2 huge pillars that Brandon was standing right in front of] boy i was not impressed and no one laughed....until later....MUCH later...shame... Brandon really got a tongue lashing that day :)
Yes... Atlanta was...
memorable...
We arrived later that day in Miami ...
Where the taxi ride to the Holiday Inn was ....well how shall i phrase it...
interesting to say the least...scary to say the most...
i remember very clearly thinking to myself...
"did i just survive the last 24 hours...a flight over the sea no less...6 takeoffs and landings in total...to die in a car accident in Miami...?!?" NO WAY!!!
But we arrived safe and sound at our hotel...and i was weak with relief... while the folks had to rest we hit the ground running in true Team Gouws fashion...we went exploring...
That night we were really feeling the aftereffects of traveling across the world and not getting much shuteye on the flight...
we had supper and hit the sack early...what happen next was like something straight from a movie...
I put it down to being a Mama...i sleep light...i look after my kids even while fast asleep ...lol...
a noise woke me...as i surfaced from sleep i realized it wasn't Bradley wanting a quick suck...OH NO......it wasn't my baby...it was the hotels fire alarm...alarmingly loud and clear...the female voice was saying..."this is not a drill...please evacuate this floor...there is a fire...do not use the elevators...use the fire escape...this is not a drill...."......i could not believe my ears!!! but reacted with haste ...i woke Edwin up, we jumped out of bed pulled on our pants and shoes i picked a soft and soundly sleeping Bradley up and called out to Bianca and Brandon to wake up and get up...she listened immediately...he did not...mumbling something about him waiting there for us...that's when Edwin reached out a grabbed him by the arm and up and out of that bed....as i stood by the door waiting...i sniffed at the air for the smell of smoke...and found none...i remember thinking "when i open this door there may be smoke in the passage...i was afraid...and wondering where the fire was....above us or blow..." the whole time the recording was repeating ... we opened the door... no smoke...in that moment i felt like we would be able to get out ok...we looked out and up and down the long passage...others were doing the same ...some were standing around undecided... looking around at everyone else looking at them... we exited our room into the passage...and suddenly we all started moving as one towards the fire escape....down down down we all went...Bianca said again "we r going to die..."....the door at the bottom only had a handle on the inside...nothing on the outside to open the door with...i was wondering about my mom them...had they used the fire exit near their room...? as we went out i asked a young girl to hold the door for me i wanted to go back inside to make sure my parent had left their room which was not near ours but was on the same floor... she put a rock in front of the door and followed the small group of pajama clad people round the side of the hotel...i gave Bradley to Edwin and turned back ... but he stopped me dead in my tracks by saying no i shouldn't go back...i was a mother now...
With a heavy heart i kicked the rock away so the door could close...
I joined the group again thinking it strange that there was not hotel staff to tell us what to do or where to go...
we moved as one around the side of the hotel back to the front...still no signs of a fire...in we went through the revolving door into a lobby filled with people and late evening diners having supper in the dinning room off to the right hand side...i spotted my in-laws eating... a staff member informed us it was a false alarm...that there was no fire...no real danger...Thank God!!
When we got back to our room i double checked that it was just a false alarm...and went to see if my parents had also evacuated...they were still fast asleep in their room...i banged and banged on their door before a half asleep Dad with robot red eyes answered...
I remember a terrible sinking feeling ...what if it had been a real emergency...??
to be continued...
PHOTO TIME
in our front yard...
the day our adventure began...
all dressed in loose fitting clothes for the long flight ahead...
Bradley on his first flight...
us in Miami in front of our hotel
In the months leading up to this moment my husband Edwin played only one song for the family...
