Up...up and away...

I watched a vlog the other day...i like vlogs!

A mama and her girl...

The first day of school...

Most mothers know...

The bitter-sweetness of it all...all of the time!

Anyway the video is put to music...a song i've never heard...

the words go...

"it's the time... to cut you loose..."

It's a lovely song... well picked...

But what really struck me as i watched it...

was that it's actually the time to cut the mama loose...
like...

what if the cut is to the mama most...

the both of them...

one from the other...

We always think about the umbilical cord being cut...and the baby is free...

But what if it's more like...cut the cord and the mama is loosened from her child...
that 'first cut is the deepest'...there is blood and tissue involved here...
we feel as if it's the beginning ['the first time ever i saw your face'...kind of moment]
but it's really the beginning of the end...
but remember...

 endings always bring new beginnings with them...
it a rule!

After that... it's a slippery slope from that moment on though...

The baby is always growing up... up and away...
slowly gently uncurling...the air gets in between...
things need sunlight to begin to grow...and grow fast they do...

Seriously
you'll just blink!...

a never ending separating...
a pulling apart...
a becoming undone and redone...
over and over and over...
forever...

And the mother bears the brunt of this...
the child was made for just such a season as this one...
the mother heart was not.

But mothers are built strong...
weathered and seasoned by
time...storms...smiles and tears... 

And what of the bitter-sweetness....?
yes by that too...

For it becomes a sometimes loud - sometimes quiet...
 ever constant... companion...
 to any mother worth her salt...  on this epic journey of motherhood.

 It hurts when your children grow up and away...
they have 'growing pains' in their bones...
but mothers have them in their hearts...

and that is as it should be
but it still hurts...and sore is sore!

Post Script
'The first cut is the deepest' a song by Sheryl Crow
'The first time ever i saw your face' a song by Roberta Flack

The song in the vlog...i'm not sure...i didn't have any luck trying to find out.
The vlog was by 'Sam and Nia'

The House Still Sleeps...

The house still sleeps...
It's early as i write this...

I've been awake for a long while...I lay in bed... praying on this cold winters morning...

The man i share this bed with has left for work...poor him!

Beside me now lies my Bradley...

This is a rare thing these days...

It's funny how things that were the norm have now become....not.

I talk to him in a hushed tone...telling him to stay... and sleep some more...

That's when it begins to happen...the magic starts...

I can hear the early birds out in the garden..i wonder what they say...

I hear Monday morning traffic's hum...

I watch for these curtains to loose their cloak of darkness...

I'll watch this room become... all lit up with first light today...

But more than that...oh so much more than that...

I am aware of this warm little boy body curled up against me...

He is dozing on and off...
We speak a few words when his eyes open.

He tells me he'll get up early tomorrow morning to spend some time with his daddy...sweet thing!

Another time he whispers that i must stay awake... but that he can sleep...and i smile...

He turns away from me and his knee bumps my breast and i don't even mind...

He has lovely hair i think...but right now it's not smooth and shiny like it will be later today...

His nose is a little stuffy too...i can hear him breathing as he sleeps...

and my mothers heart files that tiny fact away too...

Then... he must be dreaming...he laughs softly in his sleep...moves and wakes...

I ask .... and he tells me...

The onesie he is wearing for the second winter in a row, will be too small next time around.

This ever growing child of mine...

I try to take it all in... every precious detail of this sacred morning.

The thoughts i'm having are in a blog post form...

and i know i'll write a little something today...that's how it is for me...unpredictable...heartfelt!

I can now feel the pull of my camera too...

I want to get up and out into the cold to fetch it...but i resist for a while longer...

because i know that the moment i do that... is the exact moment the spell breaks... 

 I just want to linger here a little longer...and i do.

I really need to capture this moment though...

it's. a. good. moment. 

I am fully present...

feeling everything...

wanting to write it down...

and take a photo...

This moment must be important to me hey :)

Teachers On The Playground...

I stand...where i always stand...

The sun reaches out to us...her first light is of that most special kind...the golden kind...

The children are all wearing halos today...from where sunbeams... have been woven into their hair...

Precious things that they are...

children... 

and sunbeams...

The air is cool... but there is the whispered promise of warmth still to come as that fiercely glowing orb climbs...high... into the blue...

As is my way...with green eyes...i watch...

There is running and playing going on all around me...

The hum of childhood fills my ears and makes me smile...first quietly...

 on the inside... my soul stirs to life...

and then a short while later that soul-smile has... 

on, up-ed and out...

 It has found a pathway onto my lips and into my eyes...

for surely my eyes must reflect my feelings...

My thoughts start to wander...from the playground under my feet...

away... and onto this page...

I am touched to see the two 'on duty' teachers both bend down to console another mothers child...

One pulls the jacket closed over a little chest...

The other is on one knee...

Both have hands on him...

Both lean in...

and listen...

 and teach...

There is a struggle going on within this child...

Maybe he is cross...

Maybe he just wants his mommy...

I am too far away to know what the matter really is...

But i feel impressed and grateful for the teachers on the playground...

I hope she [each one] knows her worth!

Post Script

Are we not all teachers on the playground of life...

When good things happen i rejoice...i just can't help it :)

I will stand by you...

The sun is warm on my bare shoulders...

The clouds are coming in...but not quite here yet...

The wind is playing with my untamed curls...

Bradley is done with his swim...

He is ice cold to my warm...

I wrap his towel around him...

I have music in my ears...

We stand where the waters are deepest...

He leans into me...

I feel the wetness soak through the faded Barney towel and then against my skin too...

Not for ANYTHING in this world would i break contact...not even if i was wearing silk...

We stand like this and he talks of dragonflies...

My warm hands are on the rounds of his shoulders...cool and smooth...

My legs are cold and rater wet now...

I answer him...

 and listen to the words of the song...

The words of the song are stirring up my emotions...
Rooting me to this spot and in this moment...

"You're not alone...

I will stand by you...

I will help you through...

When you've done all you can do...

and you can't cope...

I will dry your eyes...

I will fight your fight...

I will hold you tight and I won't let go..."

Small arm outstretched... he offers up his palm to the shiny yellow dragonfly...

I know that his invitation will be ignored by the beauty flitting and flying... from here to over there...

But actually it comes quite close...

Only about his grade 2 rulers length from resting....

Together we stand...still hugging...watching and waiting...

while mother nature and mother-love weave us tightly together...

Post Script
Rascal Flatts sings 'I won't let go...'

  

This Hurts So Bad :(

Fresh tears would come in waves today...

Turns would be taken...

I am not really a 'dog person'

BUT

I am SO sad...

In a feeble attempt to avoid the pain i try to tell myself...She was just a dog...

She WAS just a dog - but she was our dog :(

She was my favorite out of the 3 ...

She was a really good mommy to her first and only litter of 5 puppies... so many moons ago... 

When I myself had only 2 young ones to care for...

She took motherhood seriously... just like me and i loved her for it...

We were mothers together her and I.

A great watchdog she always looked out for us...quick to let me know of the goings on in the neighborhood...

She was gentle and loving all these years...

Even this morning still mustering the energy to wag her tail a little bit just for me...

She will be missed around here...

This was our first time...having to have a pet 'put down'...

There were gut wrenching decisions to be made...

I decided some time during the wee small hours that I would stay with her...

That she would hear my soft soothing voice when the time came to leave...

That she would feel my loving hands upon her as she slipped away for good...

I am not sorry we did what we had to do...it was time...

We owed her that...

But i am deeply saddened that she is gone...

The sadness has filled me up... 

 It keeps overflowing out through my eyes and down my cheeks... 

My heart is sore... 

I have come to understand that i am a mother to all...

 the children and animals under this roof...

that must be why this hurts so bad...

***

October 25 2014

Blossom was 13 years old

The Canvas of the Sky - The work of His hands.

On Monday, the Lord held the paintbrush in His expert hand...

It was time to add clouds onto the blue of the sky...

With a steady hand...

 He applied gentle pressure, and pulled a little white, across the blue... in looong sweeping lines...

Today the canvas of the sky would look like this, all day long...
and the beauty of the heavens would be plain to see, for all who cared to look...

On Tuesday, the Lord held the paintbrush of the sky in His expert hand...

It was time once more, to give the heavens, something lovely to hold...

With a steady hand...

He dipped the brush into living water...

and confidently smudged white onto the blue...

Today the clouds upon the canvas of the sky... would look like a priceless water painting all day long...plain to see, for all who cared to look...

On Wednesday, the Lord stood ready once more, paintbrush in hand...
 He began early ... and it soon became apparent that...
 He had chosen to conceal the whole of the blue...
 hidden...for just a while...

With bold strokes he painted away the blues...

 Light greys and darker ones too became,
 His masterpiece for today...

Although this was not as breathtaking a sky as before...
and i would not be able to see the sun set...
These were still special clouds...

The Lord had filled them with life giving water...
which fell down to be soaked up by the thirsty earth... at exactly the appointed time...

And the beauty [that only rain water brings] will surly follow...

just as sure as the sun rises and sets and the tides ebb and flow.


Post Script

On the early morning school run on Monday i had commented to Bianca-Leigh that the sky looked so beautiful to me...
Like God had painted those long sweeping lines of clouds with a paintbrush... for that is exactly how the clouds appeared...like they were being pulled across the sky and off  to one side...

They stayed that way all day and every time i got into my car [which happens often] i was struck anew by the beauty of it all.

Tuesday saw me saying to her that today God had dipped His brush into water and smudged the clouds into place...like a water painting of white on blue... now there were no lines... in their place... familiar looking clouds hung on the horizon of the heavens...

Wednesday we awoke to grey skies...and later the rain that began to fall...

For me ... the heavens and nature proclaim His glory... every day... for all to see.


I am only sorry that i was not able to take any photos.

On : Peppermint-crisp tart and being 'Saved'... Oh and the last Swim of being 7 ...

Hi :)

It's funny how these things happen to me...

One minute...normal life...the next...a blog post in my brain :)
It doesn't happen often enough...

I have less than 20 min to 'pen' this one...

GO

We went outside into our backyard he and I...

He still isn't allowed to play out there on his own...never has been.

Our swimming pool is uncovered...and that has always been our rule...

The dogs greeted us with loud barking, energetic jumping that belies their years
 and tireless tail wagging as always :)

I listen hopefully for the baby birds we have heard begging for food on the roof...

but nothing ...

My camera is in my pocket...

We came out here so Bradley,
 who is hot from kicking his ball around the front...
can put his feet into the pool for a bit of a cool down...

He starts what we came out here to do...

I notice ... as i always do...

the way the sun sparkles and spins in the water he is waking from it's long Winter slumber...

I begin to photograph him...

After a while i have plenty of shots...
 and this 'tame foot dangling' is about to become his first swim of  Spring...
the water is COLD still... but his fun filled nature is fearlessly leading the way...

I take photos of him...getting in deeper and deeper...
childhood excitement and exhilaration written all over him...my eyes are drawn to how the back of his hair is getting wet and is darker... and how a few drops of water higher up are winking at me in the sunlight...

My heart stirs the bitter-sweet syrup of motherhood into these words...

"Last swim as a 7 year old !...." i call out to him who holds my heart...
  as i squeeze the shutter button again...

My tender heart aches just a little bit as these words sink into my soul...

oh the sweet sticky-ness of it all...

I surrender to this feeling like i have surrendered to motherhood...
...completely...

Surrender really is the only way you know...
the secret to enjoying every precious moment...
yes, even the brutal ones...

As Bradley bounces in deeper and deeper on the tips of his little boy toes...

I take the time to capture him...
his essence...
on his last day of being 7...

 One thing i know...like i know that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west...

Time is fleeting...

It flows like a river...
Sluggish and meandering at places along the way...
Fast and relentlessly in others...

Time never rests...no matter what!

We [he and i] will never come past this way again...

He splashes and calls out to me through the coldness and the laughter...

"Look Mom! ... one last jump"...changing his mind...greedy for the fun to last a little longer...
"3rd last jump..."

He jumps many more times than that :)
I stop counting...

When the cold finally wins and he decides to get out...he stands in warm sunlight...

hair plastered down flat and dark...drops of water cling like kisses to his face...

I wrap a colourful towel around his shoulders...

I see goosebumps on his legs...I rub his hair dry quickly to help bring back his warmth...
and then i hug him close to me...trying to give him some of mine...his skin is icy to the touch...
i rub his back and shoulders and let go of him...and He says "no hold onto me Mom!"

I can only obey...

He is remembering something and asks how old he was when last he swam...

He then tells me it was on a day that turned rainy in the afternoon and that we ate peppermint-crisp fridge tart that day... and that it was good :)

The next memory he has is of me jumping into a busy hotel pool fully clothed to 'save' him...

I told him today that i will always 'save' him if i can...

I mean it too.

Why do we sometimes think that little kids do not understand or can't or wont remember...?

His memories about our life and love are vivid...which always surprises me...

mine are too ... which doesn't...

He even remembers that another mommy said that i rescued him so 'beautifully' [gracefully]

and that she gushed about how it was a 'magical moment'...one in which he learned that i will always be there for him...for all of my life...

For me it was instinctive...
i was on my post...
  watching him and reading and watching and reading...
i glanced over at him...
intuition alerted me...
  he no longer looked comfortable somehow...  i didn't look down again... 

I went from 'lounging' to sitting upright as i watched to see if he was ok...he was struggling a little...  all he needed to do was turn around and move towards the shallows...but he had begun to panic at being out of his depth...

 As soon as he said 'mommy help' i was up and moving quickly but without panic and apparently quite gracefully...closing the distance between him and me i threw down my hat and kicked off my shoes...my eyes searched for the shortest distance between him and me...reaching the wall i needed to jump off  ... i remember thinking as i fell through the air ... i can't believed i am doing this!...

The water was lovely and warm ... welcoming even... 

The next moment i had him scooped up and in my arms... safe and sound... saved...

This whole episode took mere seconds to play out...
and probable didn't warrant me making my 'dramatic much' splash...lol 

The things parents will do for their kids!

Thinking about it now...i love that he said...'the day you saved me'


Happy Birthday Monkey... you are the sweetness in my life <3

Post Script
I 'saved' him in December 2012...He was just 6...and he could swim.
Afterwards he told me he had become disoriented by somersaulting one too many times...