bitter - SWEET

Here is where... i still stand ...

in morning's cool air... the sun is shining down in golden patches ... throwing shadows of trees onto the ground... the school children run and laugh and play... they swirl around us... [my Bradley and i]

like mist...

 We are roughly 4 weeks deep... into this journey... he and i... 

I am [just about] the only mommy still standing...

 waiting for that moment... when the hash sound of the school bell blasts through the air... signaling to us that the time has come to say our goodbyes... for the morning anyway.. 

The little kids all scurry into their lines to wait for their teachers...

they do not stand very neatly [they try... but fail] they chatter like monkeys...and for some [mostly afflicted by that busy little y chromosome] just holding that ball...made for fun and flying through the air during play... becomes an impossible task... what i now know is... the ball ALWAYS gets away...

I have enjoyed my time...  just watching... i look through a window if u will...into their world...
 not all parents get to see this.... and i feel lucky...
The teachers on 'terrain duty' take command of this squirming mass of noise makers...
by singing songs with actions in to dispel a little of the nervous energy in the crowd...
counting games with actions [meant to ground little minds...] and one teacher who very obviously understands the workings of the young child's mind and is fearless in using her power...even generates a little healthy competition between grades...this little trick works like magic... as expected :) and i 'like' her success  and am impressed... on this morning i keep score... 1 point to the teacher...
I most enjoy the songs...they transport me back to my own childhood...in the blink of an eye...and the feelings and memories are... good !  and i take comfort that in a world where things are forever changing... somethings do remain the same...

The glances Bradley throws me are fewer and milder...
 and i can see he is 'at ease' in his new world...
His beautiful face and gorgeous brown eyes are no longer filled with sadness...
no... something else is reflected there now...

At his request...I still follow along on the ground floor...
 as he and his classmates become a big... fat... creeping caterpillar...
winding it's way...
up the stairs and towards their corner classroom...

I still answer his now less emotionally charged waves goodbye...
and those truly precious kisses he blows my way...with ones of my own...
He still glances my way one last time before being swallowed up by the doorway...
In all things that still remain [the same] there is something new...and beautiful
 a quiet confidence...and peace...

And 'there-in-lies-the-rub' dear reader...
the bitter-SWEETNESS...of the 'letting go'...
his... and mine...

I do confess...
 to my mother's heart feeling a little bruised...
the 'suffering' is no longer his that i am feeling as if it were my own... it is all mine...
but the pride and joy i feel at his progress...by far outweighs any pull on my heartstrings ...
 

And as i stand alone... in the shade...
 loving him desperately as i do...i look up and watch him...
 through the not quite bare branches of a tree...that has surly seen better Summers...
i can't help but notice how beautifully the sparse leaves... kissed by the morning sun as they are...
glow... a brilliant emerald green...


You are now a fledgling my darling little lovebug...
enjoy learning to fly...
knowing ALWAYS...
 our bond is unbreakable...

<3

Ps

I have this week begun to prepare Bradley for my departure

 at the sound of the bell next week...

I do wish... that things didn't have to change...

but i know it's time...

Sniff...

 i have always maintained that motherhood is like a roller-coaster ride...

the highs are really, really high and the lows are really, really low...