Everyday Magic...

I am sitting in the garden...in my rocking chair...

I am outside watching Bradley play...I am still his constant companion...for a little while longer...

It's cold inside the house...warm out here...

My legs and boots are in the sun...the rest of me is in dappled shade...

We really do have the most stunning weather here in South Africa...

I have just refilled the bird feeder... 

the stale bread is on the ground ready and waiting...

I feel sorry for them...especially during the winter months...

I wonder if they will come to me...like yesterday...tummies so hungry that it makes them brave...

Little bodies needing fuel to stay warm during the biting cold night, that sees to it that the birdbath is frozen over, when dawn, that brings mercy with her, finally arrives in my garden...

Yesterday for the first time, i sat in the garden with them or was it... they with me...?

It was a treat to be in their company :)

As i wait for them ... i watch my son ride his bike round and round our small front yard...

lost in his childhood... he has just finished building a brick 'hotel' for the big shiny black lizards that have made their home in the leftover and long forgotten brick pile next to our house...this is where you will find them... sunning themselves...if you care to look...

Bradley asks me what i need from the shops...he pretends to go buy my fixing for our supper tonight...

i play along as always...

His bike is lying waiting for him off to the left of me...he unknowingly...just like a child!...kicks up a cloud of dust as he bends to pick up 'my' bread....at first i am unhappy that he seems to be in the center of all that dirt billowing up...up...and around him...dust as old as time... disturbed by the boy's carefree-ness... making his mommy worry...

As i watch...

 something magical happens...the dust cloud swallowing him up... floats free from the shadows and reaches for the light...and is transformed into, gold dust, instead of dirt...so pretty...i stare...

transfixed...wishing i could have taken a photo...but i have learned that the eye can make the heart remember too...

I glance around the garden...Bradley has moved on...totally lost in his game...

There are little white insects drifting over the wall and across my line of vision...
they really truly look like mere bits of fluff...

I am taken back to my own childhood...as a little girl i would have seen fairies for sure!!

How magical is childhood for the lucky ones...

As i think of things such as this... the tree above me, is coming slowly to life...

the birds have spotted their supper...

They have arrived...

and they have brought braveness with them...

feeding while i sit right here... rejoicing...

It seems the word has spread...far and wide...how do they do it...?

more feathered friends are making themselves heard...

louder and louder...

Until... this old tree is alive...and quivering...
branches groaning,  under the weight of these delightful little creatures...

And that's what can happen in your garden too...

the magic of the everyday.

After being away...

Hello and welcome :)

Recently we have gone back to church...

After being away...[away from church not God] for a very long time...

And it feels like coming home to be honest...

On Sunday morning I asked Bianca-Leigh my 18 year old to go watch over my 7 year old at 'kids church'

Bradley was tearful at having to go... and I understand him...newness has always pulled this out of  him...

He needs time, love and tenderness to settle...

So she understand him and she understands me too...she knows that i am not really used to feeling torn where my children are concerned...I mean 'it' has come up...that one time...lol...no more than once but not usually...so an unselfish daughter stood in for me...wouldn't be the first time either nor the last...i am sure :)
Bianca-Leigh has always been a second mom to Bradley.

And the men in my life and i walked together through the church doors...

found a spot and relaxed into the worship...feeling happy and contented...

As we sat and listened and stood and sang...I was momentarily aware of the 'short me' standing between these two tall ones...

these two... who are so different from each other but somehow still the same... not cut from the same cloth...no...but still a type of strong durable fabric...well with them on either side i felt small and feminine...
protected...and cherished...and strong and vital and locked in and ... alive. 

And when we sat down comfortable in our seats...and my elbows touched both of theirs...

these men next to me...one young and one not that young anymore...my bodyguards...i smile as i write this line...for it is not really so [and of course at the same time it is really so too...]... i felt grateful ...

Sitting in God's house elbow to elbow...with these people i care SO deeply for...my people...my tribe...

And my heart rejoiced and i gave thanks...
thanks for a husband SUCH. AS. THIS.
thanks for children who listen to me...

and go where i go...


And
 I KNOW...
God will do the rest...

  

7 such a delightful age...

Hi ... 

This song by Mindy Gledhill pulls at my heartstrings...

My littlest son...

The one who...

 finds a chip looking like a number 1 and excitedly tells me i am his first love...

who loves wearing a 'beanie' ...

or a cap... no matter...

but something you will find on his head...

I can see his own personal style starting to come through.

 and i feel excited by this... for they must each be who they really are...

I am biased but i think his style is kinda cool...

He is active and full of fun and bit of a daredevil at times...

After outings he will tell me over and over just how much he enjoyed our day...

this one...

he talks...

 a lot... 

As he gets older he appreciates doing new things more and more...

i guess he is growing in more ways than one...

He can be grumpy at times but is always quick to say sorry...

He has a lighthearted streak...

here he is trying to foil my attempts at getting my shot...

he can be a little naughty... but is mostly nice...

Sometimes i get the feeling... 

I'll need to keep my eye on this one more so than with the other two...

Post Script

So this happened last night...

He came to me wrapped quite unsuccessfully in a towel...

his skin warm and still damp from his bath...

He was telling me something too important to wait until after he was dressed...

he leaned on my mother's day gift...the one from him...the one made at school...

When he turned to leave...he laughed and came straight back to my side...

in his hand was a scrap of paper... untidy red lines with bits of white shining through...one of the hearts he'd hurriedly drawn and coloured in to add to my gift...to tell me in his childlike way of his love for me...

This heart that must have stuck to his arm more than once as he leaned in...

 and shared his... little boy... growing big... self... with me...

"I keep stealing your heart..." he said... a smile in his voice...

I could tell he found the paper sticking to his arm...funny...

so like a 7 year old to be tickled by such a thing as this...i smiled back at him...

But at his half apology... 

half explanation...

 came this thought straight from my mothers heart...

'Darling little boy of mine...it happens more often than you know...'

   

The beauty that pulls me in...

She sits in patches of sunshine...

that is her way...

Yesterday...I sat for a moment too...

in the absolute calm of a new day...

I looked out of that same window...

I saw stillness out there...

I was aware of the newness of this day...

the untouched-ness of it all...

I saw a purple sky up high...

the morning star was pinned there...

and lower down in the blue...

that's where the day waited to burst through...

lower still...

a pale yellowness...
creep...creeping...crept...

What a miracle...the new day... 

There was not a breath of wind...

the pool water held no rippling...

only clear reflections could be found...

I only sat for a moment...

after seeing all that

I knew what i had to do...

I unlocked the sliding door...

disturbing the dogs...stirring them from slumber...

they came forward to greet me...happy to see me...

old legs stiffer and slower in the dawn...

that first bark...was cold too...

coarser... 

hoarser...

 than i know it to be... 

I shush them...crossly under my breath...

they are waking the whole world...

 I feel bad just then...

they gave me joy...

I gave them reproach in return...

I set up my tripod...

I take note of just how cold the morning air feels...

I hope i don't surprise a scurrying rat...

he may just drop dead when i scream...we both might...

I worry about spider webs... the ones i'll feel... not see... 

Looking at the neighbors security lights...

I like how they light up each and every window...

it feels safer somehow...light chasing away the shadows...

I start to shoot...

today is one of those days i feel that the camera cannot possibly

capture the true beauty that pulls me in...that pulls me out...out here and into this...

that maybe just maybe the eye is superior to the shutter and lens...

Or is it all in the feeling...

I take a few shots...

the cool...no cold... morning air is creeping too...

up my bare legs in under my gown up to my knees...

the steel of the tripod is startlingly cold now...

And that's when it hits me...

Summer has slipped away...right round... to the other side of the earth...She is travelling...

She has not fully arrived there in all her glory... yet... it's only Spring there now...

and we still feel generous Summer's presence in our daylight hours...
when the sun beats down blessings from high above...

but She is on her way...

And while it's still Autumn's turn here now...

 for a moment longer... still Autumn...

We can feel Winter's icy fingers have touched our mornings and evenings...

and we know She won't be letting go...greedy Winter wants it all...

and She will have her way...

Post Script
When you start writing something in your sleep just about...
or to put it another way...if the exact words are swirling in sentences as you surface from sleep...
then you know you have to ink them...

My feet hit the carpet a split second before the alarm clock sounded...this scenario is VERY unusual in our house...lol...but that's how my day started at 5:30am

I wish i always had something to write...sigh...
but it only comes to me...when it comes...

    

...giving Bradley my time...

Hello and welcome :) 

So many things gave me pause today...

I stood... where i always stand...

The wind rushing by me is cool and i am a little uncomfortable...

the sun is off ...again...

I am dressed for summer but autumn has arrived...
and sunny South Africa has not been too sunny of late...

I watch
 and
 wait...
giving Bradley my time...

They play ball... so many emotions play through them...

I worry about another's baby being hit in the head by my son's ball...

I hope they don't hurt the baby or break a window...

They are not playing too wildly...

so my eyes wander...over the wall of the nursery school...

I can't help but notice a mommy saying an extra loving goodbye to her little son...

lots of contact she buries her nose in his neck...kissing him quick...

her tender mothers hand travels down his little body and she pats him on his bum...as mothers do...

I look over at my own boy child... smiling with his friends...he looks at me and shakes his head...the other two are fighting...i roll my eyes...and smile as i mirror his shake with one of my own..

I can't help it...i look back over the wall... to see the mom leave her reluctant child...

he doesn't cry...he watches her for a little bit and then leans his forehead against the cold, rough cement wall...his small foot rolls a rock around on the ground for a moment...

His friend speaks a few words but they do not engage him...the friend walks away...

I watch and wonder if it's true what 'they' say...."they don't miss you after you leave..."

He lifts his head...he looks for her...

she is gone...

I half expect him to... maybe shrug and walk away into his school day...

He makes up his mind...

and in a flash... like only a young male can...

he startles me...he is off and running...across the play ground and out the nursery school gate...

I move forward too... fearing for his safety and aching for him too...he runs swiftly out the main gate and into possible danger...i am too far away...my eyes travel ahead of him... i find his mom's back...and realize he doesn't need to face the traffic at least...he will catch her...she has not looked back once yet...until she hears her child's call...i see the shock in her body as she jerks to a stop and turns...they are now together...

He doesn't need me...to help him...to comfort him...to return him...

My steps slow to a walk... and i look over at Bradley as i go back to standing where i always stand...
he is lucky my time is his...and i am lucky too... 

Post Script

Isn't it sad that brats spoil things for everyone else...

At the moment the junior primary children are not allowed to take a ball to school...
too many fights...too many moaning pupils...
"so and so took my ball and has not given it back..." they say over and over again...
Bradley is so saddened by this new rule...
so i allow him to take a ball and have a quick game before school...
the ball comes home with me...
that's what i was doing there for over 20 minutes on this cold grey morning...

#motherhood

Hello :)  and welcome back ...

Recently i went to a 'stork party'...I love stork parties :)

There were a couple of moments i just wanted to pull out my camera and throw myself into trying to capture that perfect photo...there was an adorable little girl of 2 at this party [for her cousin as yet not born...]

A mama 'in love' with her young child... just as all mamas should be...

a mama-to-be...with so much lying ahead... on this her journey... from novice to seasoned...

a granny of one...celebrating the baby still to come...   

This is what life is all about...

love...family...friends...celebrating life...

There was GOOD food and even better company...

gentle teasing and loud bursts of laughter...

hugs...kisses... and well wishes...

There were comments and advice and questions asked...

and

 as Bianca-Leigh and i sat with these friendly strangers... listening and watching...

  the conversations and stories flowed over us and wrapped around us...

 i found myself thinking how hard motherhood feels sometimes...

how hard 'mothering well' sometimes is...

and how... for all our differences...

 we mothers are so similar in our grand love for our babies...

The mother of the 2 year old is a 'working mommy'

as i have already mentioned she is besotted with her little girl...

she is a great mommy to that sweet little thing :)

and i mean to tell her what a good job she is doing when next we speak...
for i know that all mothers [working or not] need praise and encouragement...

There were conversations that made me think...

A nice lady asked me...

"so where do u work...?"

"I am a stay-at-home-mom..." i replied...
 the smile that started in my heart... reached my eyes...

because i like saying it...

it 'means 'something' to me...

it.  is. who. I. am.

"oh you are lucky...i couldn't afford to do that..." she said just making conversation...

i was quick to explain that... for me...

it isn't about being able to afford to do so...not really...

I mean... more money would be more than welcome in this household...and that's a fact...

Also that I have sacrificed many things to stay home and be there with my children...

to be there for my children...

 that it's what i wanted to do with my life...for them and for me...

and we agreed that there is no win-win in motherhood...

that you can't have it all in mothering...

that there are pros and cons in all things mother...
something has got to give...

This exchange got me thinking...

about the things i have never had and never will...

*There is no paycheck at the end of the month for a job well done...

and as a result I can't help supplement our income :(

*There are no promotions or pats on the back... 

*no fancy cars...*not fancy rings...*nor fancy clothes and shoes...will ever be mine...

*no career accomplishments or accolades...

*less knowledge is mine...so maybe less confidence too...

*sometimes i don't fit in 'the world' at all...
*i am soft...working women are tougher than I or so it seems...

*I just can't give my kids everything material that they want...saying no is so not fun!!!

yes...

There is no glory in being a stay-at-home-mom...

so that is something else i have given up...glory...

oh... but no...wait a minute...that's just not true...

There is a quiet, unseen, unheard kind of glory in being your child's 'favourite favourite'

in being able to be the 'hero' who rides in on the white horse to rescue the sick child from school...

and stand watch over them until by the grace of God... good health returns once more...

there is peace in not having to choose between my child and my job...

in having the time to not only 'listen' but really 'hear' when my children speak to me...

in not feeling torn...in not having to arrange my life around what my boss wants me to do as opposed to what my child needs me to do... there is a deep pride and joy in being able to teach them what they need to know about life myself...there is a sense of great accomplishment in knowing them inside out...their thoughts and feelings about things big and small...what hurts them and what heals them...

i am their confidant...and keeper of secrets...their champion...their sounding board...

and moral compass and i enjoy every moment...

You see for me doing what i do...

 goes so much deeper...it satisfies me...makes me happy...

for all i have given up...i have gained more than i have ever lost...i am not torn...
i am whole...we are whole...

i feel good...i have not a single regret...

i wouldn't have it any other way...

i have lived my dream...

my reward is a feeling...theirs and mine...

Brave Beautiful Butterfly...

The edge of day was wet and misty...a bleak grey start...

The colours were muted...dull greens lined the way...either side of me...

This road is a river...a river that takes me away...out of town...and her little car is my boat...

I sail away from her and towards my Boys...i am bringing them a hot drink on a cold day...

But as i listen to Justin [who else] on the radio...my mind is with her...knowing a tough day is waiting to unfold before her...many footsteps...hers...repeatedly the heavens will open...the sky will cry straight down onto her bright pink umbrella...she'll be dry and safe but still unsure and slightly uncomfortable...she does not handle change well....and for now change will be her constant companion...new places...new faces...strange eyes searching hers out...trying to figure her out...

brand new friendships will be born and take first breath...

What will she discover on this new chapter begun...?

Strengths she never knew she had...weaknesses too...fears...a few...

One thing is sure...knowledge will be hers from today onward...

the kind u find in books... and gain from people...and new experiences....

good and bad...

She will discover the truth...her truth...

not mine not his... hers...

And all the lessons i have tried to teach her throughout these....

 magical... slowly meandering speed of light years...?

EVERY SINGLE PRAYER I HAVE EVER whispered in the dead of night...spoken out loud with a smile on my lips or called out over her from deep within my trembling heart...prayers that i have forgotten all about...my God has heard and remembers them all ...every fight her and i have ever ALMOST had... every loving look and moments of understanding that have passed from me to her and back...these things have been readying her for this next chapter in her story...and will stand her in good stead... 

For i was there... from the very beginning...and only by the grace of God... i still am...

her time is now...like a butterfly bewildered after it's birth...she stands...

for a moment drying out those new wings...uncurling their beauty...catching her breath...

Be brave beautiful little butterfly

gently does it...time to show your unique wing design and splashes of colour...

hand painted there by the creator Himself...

You got this...

<3

Post Script

My daughter Bianca-Leigh has just started  University...fresh out of high school...she wants to become a teacher in the foundation phase [grade 0 through 3]...and finds the idea of being one of the very first people to impact a young mind in a positive way very exciting...

While we are lucky she is able to stay home with us during her studies...

 this is still a season of... 'everything all so brand new' and is a little overwhelming for her and for us...

She is still in a time of adjustment...and as for Edwin and I...we are both totally there for her...behind her every step of the way...still... all in for her...
while learning to 'let go'... little bit by precious little bit...

because that's what parents do...