These arms of mine ...

There i was....

my curly hair still wet from my bath...sitting in the rocking chair in our lounge...

i say 'in' because it is the kind of chair that kinda swallows you up...

i find rocking very soothing...and have been known to 'rock' while standing talking... waiting in line...

i also pace...up and down...back and forth...it's true...i am not ever really still...

my laptop is warm on my bare legs...the Tv is on and a little too loud...

My Bradley is lying on the carpet playing...i wonder briefly if he may fall asleep there...

but no... he comes over to me a few moments later...he climbs up to sit on the armrest...

i have told him more than 100 times not to do it...but he just ignores me  :)

i remind him quietly ... and without any heat ... still he does not listen ...

i am not in the least surprised...or angry...

i don't expect him to 'perch' here like a little bird for very long...

i keep doing what i am doing...

A few moments pass...

he stays...a warm presence next to me...he is calm and relaxed...sleepy...  

how many minutes later... i can't be sure...i am blogging after all...
his head comes to rest lightly on my shoulder....
it's been a long time since i've rocked him to sleep... i think to myself...
i rock us both...and eventually wonder if he has nodded off...he stirs and
proves me wrong...he snuggles closer...into me...he is trying to get comfortable...
THE DECISION IS MADE...
i put my laptop down on the floor...out of the way...off to the side...
warning him as i do so...not to fall to the ground as the chair rocks a little wildly...
he understands my actions ... they signal to him that not only my heart...but my lap is now his...
Like dancers who know their steps..we move together...
He is now sitting comfortably on my lap and in my arms...his head rests against my chest...at first...
then later...his head lolls back...into the crook of my left arm...the place a child's head... instinctively finds...
It's been so long since i have held a sleeping child in my arms like this...my child... in his lime-green summer pajamas...the ones with a M for monster on the front... it feels SO GOOD...this moment is saturated with preciousness for me...
and then from nowhere... the ache begins...
As i become aware of his weight in my arms ...  forlorn feelings wash over me relentless like the tides...
i look down into his face...
the line of his mouth is soft and tender...eyes peeping slightly...my mind's eye takes the shot...
as this harsh thought begins to echo in the dark corners of my mind...
 'THESE ARMS OF MINE SHOULD NEVER BE EMPTY......'
i feel heart-sore ...  SUCH a good word don't u think... heart-sore... that ache !...
that one feels in your chest....your heart...a physical sensation...along with the emotional...
How can i keep my arms 'full'... like this...i ponder for a moment...knowing the sad answer...
..........i feel like my soul has just shriveled up........
like a dying flower's petals ... dry...colourful no more....drooping...ready to fall to the floor...
i have reached the end of my childbearing years...
Why did he have to climb on up here tonight :(  and remind me.....?

I read somewhere once a long time ago...when the bloom of youth was still fresh on my face...
that a mother who looses her young child to death...will still feel her child's weight in her arms...for a while...
how heartbreakingly...soul destroyingly hard that must be...
For me it is just the death of a 'dream' not my child...and i am so grateful for that....there are NO words...

Still i think i'll 'feel' the weight of him in my arms...his warmth... on that early Autumn evening...
for a long time to come...

That's just the way it is with me...


...the end...

Song by Greyson Chance : Waiting Outside The Lines...

Lyrics On Screen by Jessica Walshe