My 'forever' Baby...

My 'forever' Baby...would have turned 7 this past April...

The anniversary of my loss is almost upon me...

 ...again...

Not a year goes by that i am not a little haunted at this time of year...

What i know is that...

i

 am 

the 

only

 one

 who

still

 remembers

While i mostly have people around me to support me...
there are a few things in this life that one must do all alone....
be born. give birth. die.
miscarry...

Let me tell u my story...

I was much younger then...i had my 'pigeon pair'...
still i absolutely yearned for another child...

i tried being hard on myself...

tried to accept that i was done with babies...
but

i couldn't come to terms with it...
i struggled daily with the accepting...
tears flowed freely ...
even when i was 'out and about'...
 they would just come...
my eyes would...
 fill up... and
 overflow...

the heart wants what the heart wants...

Edwin said he was willing...
that he thought i would regret not having 'just one more'...
it was left up to me...
to decide...
i got stuck...

i prayed about it for the longest time...

was another child part of God's plan for my life...?

i didn't want to do anything outside of God's will for me...

i prayed

and prayed

and

prayed

for years...

no answer came...
i was stuck...waiting...
wanting...

August 2005 arrived...
bringing with her thrilling news...

 I was unexpectedly expecting...
my joy catapulted me to the moon...and i could touch the stars ...
I thought to myself... 'my prayers have been answered'...

Edwin said "Well now we know which way to go"...

We were SO happy...
Until September arrived...
Until we no longer had a reason...because...
Spring brought with her the saddest of news...
And for me... the stars fell right out of the night sky...


My dream lay smashed...
  a million sparkling little shards on the ground at my feet...
cutting and drawing blood as they blew around my mind... and my life...
 their cruelly broken beauty became embedded in my soul...
there was no mercy as i mourned...

Yes i  mourned ...
I mourned that Baby deeply ...
I was 7 weeks into 'our story'...
only the prologue really...
true...
but i had already...

 loved
dreamed
planned
made a space

as only a mother can

and then....
emptiness...

all kinds of emptiness...
shock...
horror...
anger too...

everything hurt...

my heart
my mind
 my soul

even words hurt...

FEW said the right thing...

i would get SO CROSS ...
encouraging words had this effect on me...

the worst words were the...
 uncaring words
unfeeling words
'untouched' words
dumb words
numb words

i was silently screaming

'don't tell me it's ok...
it's not ok...!
can't u feel my pain...?
THAT'S NOT OK!
just leave me alone...
i want to be alone
ok!!!....'

there were moments...
 i felt sure things would never be 'ok' again...
ever...

But God is good...
i didn't see it at the time...
looking back I KNOW...
He placed certain people on my path...
 just before...
and just after...
my miscarriage
because God's timing is perfect...
He is never early... never late...

3 strangers sent to help me...
to show me...others have suffered too...some more than i...
that even during my worst time....things could have been worse...
and then most pivotal to my healing...
a very old and Godly woman...
 to share her story...
 of life and of loss with me...
 so i could find the answers i was seeking...
and PEACE too...


And so as my mind and heart turn back the pages of time... i find...
this story has lost some of it's sting...
but none of it's sadness for me...
...only me...

Post Script
*for a while i refused to 'try again'...thankfully time does heal...
and i was only prepared to give 'it' one month...
*i conceived on the 31st of December 2005...
*and that's why i say Bradley is the only 'New Years Resolution' i have ever kept :)
* that's also why there is such a huge age gap between my 'pigeon pair' and my Lovebug
*ironically Bradley was born the following September...
and the circle... closed...

p.p.s.
sometimes no answer... is an answer.