VENI. VIDI. CEPI. i came. i saw. i captured.

In my time... i have taken hundreds of photos...

and when i look over them...
 some shots get no more than a warm glance as a fleeting memory flashes through me...

and then...
 there are THOSE perfect moments captured ... that totally grab hold of me...
ALL OF ME :)

These are some of those...

the ones that i linger over...
that take me back...
they make me smile as i recall...
bringing happiness bubbling up to the surface...
 these are the shots that i LOVE

This shot of Bradley is one of my ALL TIME favorites...ever...

I was shooting for a photo challenge at the time... i think it was 'Yellow'...

and Bradley is always willing to 'help' me...

I don't really know what it is about this photo that i adore so...

could be the magic of the sunlight making the ball come alive like that

and the way the sun touches his outline and makes his ears transparent :)

may be the red heart on his chest symbolic of our love...

or the way he throws himself in to all he does with such joy...

could just be the kid in the frame :)

could be any one of those things

 or all of them !  

XXX

The next series of photo happened in January this year...

when we were at my best loved place on earth...the sea...

with my best loved people in the world...

magic moments can happen on any given day... absolutely anywhere...

all u need is your camera :) and those moments will be yours FOREVER...

untouched by the passage of time...perfectly preserved from forgetting...

that is what i love about taking photos of them...

because...

this all means too much to me...

i don't want to forget a single moment of this love-story...

i don't want to forget for a single moment... loving them...

and how that love... looked...

anywhere...everywhere...all the time !

We had just arrived at our hotel after a six hour car trip [give or take]

and we don't waste time...so off we went in search of the fun on the beach...

because being able to only see the sea is just not good enough :)

sights. sounds. textures. smells. salt on your lips.

it's the only way...

Naturally eager and hungry for photos...

i surrendered to my passion...

Much later that night...

 i was thrilled when i looked over the days photos...oh the story they tell me...!

they do say 'a picture speaks a thousand words...'

there... on the coarse wet sand... 

with the endless roar of the waves in his ears...

 and the sea's sticky wind blowing... 

the images spoke louder than any words ever could :)

this is what i captured...

how big the ocean is...he seemed to say...

or maybe 'just look at ALL this !' 

and i wonder if he felt small...

 i am ready...bring it on...

in this moment i am...

 free...

i will...

spend time...

 in the wild sweetness of this moment...

i will play...

i will celebrate

i will cheer

for this exact moment in time will never be mine again and i have given it my all...

XXX 

In the next few photos...i was playing around with shooting in black and white...

and so i pointed my camera and squeezed...

This delightfully spontaneous sequence of events was what i captured... 

I titled these shots...

'A boy and his Cat... need to be watched very closely...'

:) 

just watching tv

and then...

an idea...

what will happen if...

i blow in her ear...

oh ok... 

she doesn't like it...

 she looks ok  :)

XXX

I plan to share more of my favorite...

...photo-stories...

*VENI. VIDI. CEPI.

I came. I saw. I Captured.

is a photography quote

not mine... but i like it :)

if u know who said it...please post it in the comments...thanks C

Yesterday...Today & Tomorrow...

Today i had a moment...i am prone to them...

i welcome them...i cherish them...

We [all 5 of us] were standing in our front yard...golden sunshine all around...Bianca's hair tossed and turned by the wind...Bradley kicking a ball around... while Brandon rescued Google our 'rare' ginger female cat from climbing too high...our front yard with it's really high side wall...

a wall i liked for the privacy it promised the first time we ever laid eyes on this house...back when it was still... just a house... not yet a home...

the home part came later...soon after we had feathered our nest...and settled in it...

but mostly this house became home...

when we carried over the threshold... first a pink bundle and then two blue ones...each in their own season...

 and with each child born in that same hospital...driven home along those same streets...

to the place where they will always have a 'soft landing place' and more love than they will ever need...

that feeling grew... for it was really with them, that...

this house became a home... 

...where the heart is...

Today

the older children came walking across the garden towards me...
to talk...standing close...as is their way with me...

and suddenly i remembered a time from 'yesterday'...

The image of a little girl... a whole 2 years old...wearing a soft pink tracksuit and tackies...

her long then blond hair with it's softly curling edges also blowing in the wind as she runs the length of our front yard...hops on that swing with her doll and rides her little black motorbike up and down...the plastic wheels making a loud grinding noise on the paving...

I remember how the cool air felt...it was winter...

getting dark...time to go in...i quickly say a rhyme out loud for her...

teaching her creation and God things...

"I see the moon ... and the moon sees me...

God bless the moon ... and God bless me..."

I pick her up...and holding her close i point... showing her the moon...high up in the fast darkening sky...

my prayer is that God will truly bless her...abundantly...

And then... there is in my minds eye... an 'always busy' boy child with green eyes so like mine... he must be all of 3 years old and he and i are sharing...

 this front yard and that rhyme... the moon and this same moment under the evening sky...

only... it's years later... my prayer is just the same...

Time has marched on... and on... since then...as only time does...

My Bradley and i have shared this self same moment...

here in our front yard...

where so much playing...running...kicking and growing together has happened...

our front yard...where the heady fragrance of...

Yesterday...Today & Tomorrow

greets the dawn and is fresh each morning...

swirls around on the warm afternoon breeze...

and hangs heavy in the night air...

for we are not done here yet...

there is still playing... running... kicking and growing together happening...

here in our front yard... 

tomorrow is another day ...

Ain't Love Grand...

Yesterday morning i asked a warm and sleepy eyed Bradley...

 if he was ready to wear his Summer uniform to school...

he agreed readily...being a 'hot' child... and i cautioned

him to take care not to fall...

 that he would get hurt...

 now that his 'running legs' were bare...

Time to fetch him revealed scratched and raw knees...

some silly child had tripped him and laughed...

[best i not find you, you little rotter]

Bradley immediately began to express fear for bath time...

 and the burn that would surly come... 

And burn it did....!

It's not fun when your child is in pain...

even this kind of fleeting childhood pain...

pain is pain hey...

distress is distress...

I really tried everything i could think of to spare him...

 as much as i humanly could spare him...

it burned anyway...

he cried...

a lot...

"Mom...meee ...

Mom...meee it's sore...

owie ... owie ...

Mommy it's burning..."

and the tears flowed freely...

and the little voice shook...

and the little body hunched over... protectively...

and my heart bled for him...

and i was stressed...

enough for this thought to pop into my mind...

"Mothers really do get the worst of it..."

feeling a little resentful...

i wondered where the father was...?

 why he was not coming in to check...?

to help...

i would have come running...

but then I AM THE MOTHER

i have no choice...

it's instinctive 

I am always to be found in the trenches of motherhood...

where all the really hard work happens...

where all the sweat and tears happen...

where the love and service happens...

where almost constant and persistent...

 prayer for them happens...

where the soul shaping happens...

where the lessons happen...

the bitter ones and the sweet ones...

where the bonds are formed and strengthened...

tried and tested...

bonds that WILL stand the test of time...

My child is hurt and in his pain he cries out my name

and i am there...

 to help and comfort and soothe 

Yes we mothers have the worst of it...

and through the worst...

 we have the very best of it too...

Ain't Love Grand

My 'forever' Baby...

My 'forever' Baby...would have turned 7 this past April...

The anniversary of my loss is almost upon me...

 ...again...

Not a year goes by that i am not a little haunted at this time of year...

What i know is that...

i

 am 

the 

only

 one

 who

still

 remembers

While i mostly have people around me to support me...
there are a few things in this life that one must do all alone....
be born. give birth. die.
miscarry...

Let me tell u my story...

I was much younger then...i had my 'pigeon pair'...
still i absolutely yearned for another child...

i tried being hard on myself...

tried to accept that i was done with babies...
but

i couldn't come to terms with it...
i struggled daily with the accepting...
tears flowed freely ...
even when i was 'out and about'...
 they would just come...
my eyes would...
 fill up... and
 overflow...

the heart wants what the heart wants...

Edwin said he was willing...
that he thought i would regret not having 'just one more'...
it was left up to me...
to decide...
i got stuck...

i prayed about it for the longest time...

was another child part of God's plan for my life...?

i didn't want to do anything outside of God's will for me...

i prayed

and prayed

and

prayed

for years...

no answer came...
i was stuck...waiting...
wanting...

August 2005 arrived...
bringing with her thrilling news...

 I was unexpectedly expecting...
my joy catapulted me to the moon...and i could touch the stars ...
I thought to myself... 'my prayers have been answered'...

Edwin said "Well now we know which way to go"...

We were SO happy...
Until September arrived...
Until we no longer had a reason...because...
Spring brought with her the saddest of news...
And for me... the stars fell right out of the night sky...


My dream lay smashed...
  a million sparkling little shards on the ground at my feet...
cutting and drawing blood as they blew around my mind... and my life...
 their cruelly broken beauty became embedded in my soul...
there was no mercy as i mourned...

Yes i  mourned ...
I mourned that Baby deeply ...
I was 7 weeks into 'our story'...
only the prologue really...
true...
but i had already...

 loved
dreamed
planned
made a space

as only a mother can

and then....
emptiness...

all kinds of emptiness...
shock...
horror...
anger too...

everything hurt...

my heart
my mind
 my soul

even words hurt...

FEW said the right thing...

i would get SO CROSS ...
encouraging words had this effect on me...

the worst words were the...
 uncaring words
unfeeling words
'untouched' words
dumb words
numb words

i was silently screaming

'don't tell me it's ok...
it's not ok...!
can't u feel my pain...?
THAT'S NOT OK!
just leave me alone...
i want to be alone
ok!!!....'

there were moments...
 i felt sure things would never be 'ok' again...
ever...

But God is good...
i didn't see it at the time...
looking back I KNOW...
He placed certain people on my path...
 just before...
and just after...
my miscarriage
because God's timing is perfect...
He is never early... never late...

3 strangers sent to help me...
to show me...others have suffered too...some more than i...
that even during my worst time....things could have been worse...
and then most pivotal to my healing...
a very old and Godly woman...
 to share her story...
 of life and of loss with me...
 so i could find the answers i was seeking...
and PEACE too...


And so as my mind and heart turn back the pages of time... i find...
this story has lost some of it's sting...
but none of it's sadness for me...
...only me...

Post Script
*for a while i refused to 'try again'...thankfully time does heal...
and i was only prepared to give 'it' one month...
*i conceived on the 31st of December 2005...
*and that's why i say Bradley is the only 'New Years Resolution' i have ever kept :)
* that's also why there is such a huge age gap between my 'pigeon pair' and my Lovebug
*ironically Bradley was born the following September...
and the circle... closed...

p.p.s.
sometimes no answer... is an answer.

IT IS NO SMALL THING...

I am not a housewife...i quite dislike the word actually...
it holds no meaning for me...
it's not who i am...

i am...
  a
 stay-at-home-mom...
'mom'... being the key word :)

i am not 'lucky' to be one...luck implies that it came to be by accident...

but i am grateful...

I have made MANY sacrifices to be here for my children...

 and i would do it all over again...
in a heartbeat :)

Not having to rush away after dropping my Bradley off at school is such a blessing...
let me explain...

When Bianca-Leigh [18] and Brandon [15] were in grade one i was able to walk them in and wait...
for teachers or the bell...whatever they needed...i was in no rush...
But with the passage of time they eventually started to walk in from the car all by themselves...
and i would just sit there in my car for at least 10 minutes maybe more...watching and waiting...my mothers heart just could not bare the thought that they may remember something urgent and return to tell me...
and that i would not be there
*gasp*

My little lovebug Bradley [6]  is an enigma...
he has needed me more desperately...more consistently and for longer...
but once he finds his rhythm...he'll dance !

Not too long ago...
 the beginning of the third term to be exact...he found it...
 he took the huge step of being brave enough to try walking in alone...
my heart fractured just a little to be honest...i would have walked him in for two years... two terms seemed too short...but i don't believe in holding my children back...and since then he has 'never looked back'....no not really...he walks a little bit of the way and looks back and waves and walks on and waves....
And while i know that this 'being able to separate from me' is a necessary evil...
it still is the 'bitter' in the 'sweet' ya know...yes i know u do :)

So it has come to pass...
 that i find myself taking the same path that the
 younger...
fresher...
softer...
 Charmaine took so many years ago...
for although some things may have changed...
plenty has stayed the same...

i still 'mother' the same...so clearly i am happy with my way :)

This
 older...
wiser...
a little more 'no nonsense'
version
she too sits in the car...
and watches and waits...
just in case...

I 'speech' Bradley... everyday about...

being good
working hard
being careful
being kind

*carrying his candle*


and regularly about...

not talking to strangers
not going anywhere with strangers who may tell him 'lies' to draw him away
about who would come for him in a real emergency
not going near the school gates
 not following friends off the school grounds

well i say regularly but honestly...
 it's probably every day too
lol


The best thing to come out of this new chapter... after his new found confidence....
is that i am able to just watch...and those that watch... they see...
and do you know what i see...

LOVE
like a rainbow

Parents casually walking their little ones in...
hand holding...
talking as they go...
big people with kids bags over their shoulders...
loving goodbyes
warm hugs
generous kisses
a gentle hand on a small arm
children's faces lovingly held
the precious bending of the adult back to get down to their level
that very anxious child's fears...fears written as clearly on his face as my words on this page...
 heard...
as that Dad decides to rather walk his son in ...
 even if it makes him late...
this scene played out in front of my car...
and i wanted to cheer out loud :)
the Mommy that encourages her daughter to walk in with her friends...
but understands the child's reluctance and relents...
 and there they go onto the school grounds together...and the child is
 happy...

IT IS NO SMALL THING

for if your parents who gave u life can't...
not only listen to BUT hear...
understand
support
cherish
help
focus on
and
love u

then who in this crazy world can...?

Watching a Son grow...

When i count my blessings i count my children twice :)

When i was pregnant the first time...with the first grand child...we ALL wanted a girl...

My mothering instinct to protect my children kicked in...i felt sorry for and protective of the son i may be carrying...because no one 'wanted' him...i should have known then...i would be good at this :)

So i convinced myself i must be carrying a boy child...i mean seriously what were the chances that i was about to give everyone exactly what they wanted...slim to none was my thought... 

We found out in the delivery room that our wish had been granted...

Unfortunately...there were no ...

CONGRATULATIONS IT'S A GIRL...

:(

I was 23 years young and sensitive... 

I had just laboured  for 14 long and painful hours...

and been delivered of a 3.8 kg baby...

she had needed PLENTY of help being born...
and we really almost lost her that day...but that's a story for another time...

All is well that ends well  right :)

I was 'over the moon'...
i had a brand new little person to love...

I had no fear...

i was a girl...she was a girl...

I'VE GOT THIS

i thought :)

...until...

Fast forward 3 years...

I gave birth to my first son...

And i should have known by the way Brandon arrived into our world... and hearts...
that this new relationship was a game-changer...
that he would always be the one to challenge me...to be better and faster and more loving and more angry and more forgiving and less afraid and to just... LET GO...

Now baby boys and girls are mostly the same in the beginning...
BUT... there comes a time...
for us it was when Brandon turned 3...
and
with a flick of the BOY switch..
all that male-child-ness becomes visible like a watermark...
and it's sink or swim time...


I never really wanted to mother boys...

they are too loud...
too busy...

too boy...

too different...

And during the rough and tumble years...
the struggle years...
the sighing... eye rolling years...
the angry words years...
the i am sorry years...his and mine...
the worry years...
the tears in BOTH our eyes years...
I wondered at why God had thought i could do this...
ALWAYS grateful that He had given me a...
 reasonably good...totally sweet and loving in nature...
little man...with a soft heart at his center...

Sometimes my challenge-child... ALWAYS my darling...
There were many time i thought of throwing in the towel...
[how does one even do that...in parenting?]

But i discovered that in love i am no quitter...

I just don't have it in me to turn away...
  walk away...
and stay away...

Yes i may storm off...speaking cross words...
words i never dreamed would ever leave my lips...
only to turn back... a room away...and retrace my steps...
back to him...
ready to show him...
I.
am.
 all in.
for him.

So the growing together years were filled to overflowing with...
the bitter-sweetness of motherhood and childhood...
for you can't have one without the other now can you :)

Then suddenly your tween becomes a teen...

And how different that process is...
I knew what to expect with Bianca-Leigh...
but watching a son grow...now that is something else..
it has surprised me...
and
delighted me...

It's a gradual thing...
starting slowly...

suddenly...

the voice breaks...
and underarm hairs spring into the light...
before my very eyes
 that upper lip become slightly hairy...and the hairs grow darker...
and the feet grow and grow...
and the legs grow and grow and grow...
and he gets broader shoulders...
and biceps begin to bulge...
and legs grow as strong a steel...

and he starts to treat me like a woman...not just Mom...
standing back to let me pass...
carrying heavy things like the grocery bags for me...
and i am thrilled :) because i like 'real' men and he is becoming one...
he  begins helping his Dad with things... more and more...
almost ready to stand shoulder to shoulder with his Dad...
in height and strength...
of muscle and character :)
And when he speaks...from the heart as he so often does...
[he and i know no other way to be...]
he.
 blows.
 me.
 away...!
he has a very well developed EQ...
with enough sympathy and empathy...
common sense...good strong morals...
and a heart of gold i tell u...
that belies his tender age of 15...

And
I
 REJOICE 
that I have a Son

and that I have been privileged enough watched him grow...
into the great kid he is...
and that he'll put his arm around me in public :)
and tell me how much he loves me <3

And i gratefully acknowledge that the Lord ...
 has blessed me beyond measure...

<3<3<3

  Post Script
Dedicated to my oldest Son...
of who i couldn't be more proud...
Thank you...

You go Boy !
Behind you... 
every step of the way...

<3
















  

18 years is not long enough...

This last little while... she has shifted sharply into focus for me...
it's her last year in high school...

the Matric Farewell excitement is building...
looming ever larger... University on the horizon...
turning 18...and arrival of 'the Boy'...
 :)

Started me thinking...
as she stands on the very edge of childhood...
about to cross the stream...
it has been 'baby steps' that has brought us this far...
along the meandering path that we have traveled as...
a mother and her daughter...
this journey...hers and mine... has had all the expected joys and sorrows....
 and then taken a few unexpected turns too...
we have lived...learned and loved and grown together and each woman in her own right too...

18 years is not long enough to tell her how much she has come to mean to my heart...
not with all the written words in all the books in all of the world are there those perfect words...
not even 18 years of 'expressions of love' can truly convey the depth and breadth of my feelings for her...

 i will naturally keep trying...

the truth i'll tell every time ...

This post is in it's own small way going to reveal some of the big i feel... for her......because u see...
i WILL use all of my words... all of your words... and their words too...
because...
When i love...i LOVE...

This year you have shown me just how BIG your brave is...

remember to help others find their brave too...

                                          

Dance :)

You are one of a kind...remember that <3

Post Script

I will speak words of love, light and truth into her life ... always...

XXX

C