My 'forever' Baby...

My 'forever' Baby...would have turned 7 this past April...

The anniversary of my loss is almost upon me...

 ...again...

Not a year goes by that i am not a little haunted at this time of year...

What i know is that...

i

 am 

the 

only

 one

 who

still

 remembers

While i mostly have people around me to support me...
there are a few things in this life that one must do all alone....
be born. give birth. die.
miscarry...

Let me tell u my story...

I was much younger then...i had my 'pigeon pair'...
still i absolutely yearned for another child...

i tried being hard on myself...

tried to accept that i was done with babies...
but

i couldn't come to terms with it...
i struggled daily with the accepting...
tears flowed freely ...
even when i was 'out and about'...
 they would just come...
my eyes would...
 fill up... and
 overflow...

the heart wants what the heart wants...

Edwin said he was willing...
that he thought i would regret not having 'just one more'...
it was left up to me...
to decide...
i got stuck...

i prayed about it for the longest time...

was another child part of God's plan for my life...?

i didn't want to do anything outside of God's will for me...

i prayed

and prayed

and

prayed

for years...

no answer came...
i was stuck...waiting...
wanting...

August 2005 arrived...
bringing with her thrilling news...

 I was unexpectedly expecting...
my joy catapulted me to the moon...and i could touch the stars ...
I thought to myself... 'my prayers have been answered'...

Edwin said "Well now we know which way to go"...

We were SO happy...
Until September arrived...
Until we no longer had a reason...because...
Spring brought with her the saddest of news...
And for me... the stars fell right out of the night sky...


My dream lay smashed...
  a million sparkling little shards on the ground at my feet...
cutting and drawing blood as they blew around my mind... and my life...
 their cruelly broken beauty became embedded in my soul...
there was no mercy as i mourned...

Yes i  mourned ...
I mourned that Baby deeply ...
I was 7 weeks into 'our story'...
only the prologue really...
true...
but i had already...

 loved
dreamed
planned
made a space

as only a mother can

and then....
emptiness...

all kinds of emptiness...
shock...
horror...
anger too...

everything hurt...

my heart
my mind
 my soul

even words hurt...

FEW said the right thing...

i would get SO CROSS ...
encouraging words had this effect on me...

the worst words were the...
 uncaring words
unfeeling words
'untouched' words
dumb words
numb words

i was silently screaming

'don't tell me it's ok...
it's not ok...!
can't u feel my pain...?
THAT'S NOT OK!
just leave me alone...
i want to be alone
ok!!!....'

there were moments...
 i felt sure things would never be 'ok' again...
ever...

But God is good...
i didn't see it at the time...
looking back I KNOW...
He placed certain people on my path...
 just before...
and just after...
my miscarriage
because God's timing is perfect...
He is never early... never late...

3 strangers sent to help me...
to show me...others have suffered too...some more than i...
that even during my worst time....things could have been worse...
and then most pivotal to my healing...
a very old and Godly woman...
 to share her story...
 of life and of loss with me...
 so i could find the answers i was seeking...
and PEACE too...


And so as my mind and heart turn back the pages of time... i find...
this story has lost some of it's sting...
but none of it's sadness for me...
...only me...

Post Script
*for a while i refused to 'try again'...thankfully time does heal...
and i was only prepared to give 'it' one month...
*i conceived on the 31st of December 2005...
*and that's why i say Bradley is the only 'New Years Resolution' i have ever kept :)
* that's also why there is such a huge age gap between my 'pigeon pair' and my Lovebug
*ironically Bradley was born the following September...
and the circle... closed...

p.p.s.
sometimes no answer... is an answer.

IT IS NO SMALL THING...

I am not a housewife...i quite dislike the word actually...
it holds no meaning for me...
it's not who i am...

i am...
  a
 stay-at-home-mom...
'mom'... being the key word :)

i am not 'lucky' to be one...luck implies that it came to be by accident...

but i am grateful...

I have made MANY sacrifices to be here for my children...

 and i would do it all over again...
in a heartbeat :)

Not having to rush away after dropping my Bradley off at school is such a blessing...
let me explain...

When Bianca-Leigh [18] and Brandon [15] were in grade one i was able to walk them in and wait...
for teachers or the bell...whatever they needed...i was in no rush...
But with the passage of time they eventually started to walk in from the car all by themselves...
and i would just sit there in my car for at least 10 minutes maybe more...watching and waiting...my mothers heart just could not bare the thought that they may remember something urgent and return to tell me...
and that i would not be there
*gasp*

My little lovebug Bradley [6]  is an enigma...
he has needed me more desperately...more consistently and for longer...
but once he finds his rhythm...he'll dance !

Not too long ago...
 the beginning of the third term to be exact...he found it...
 he took the huge step of being brave enough to try walking in alone...
my heart fractured just a little to be honest...i would have walked him in for two years... two terms seemed too short...but i don't believe in holding my children back...and since then he has 'never looked back'....no not really...he walks a little bit of the way and looks back and waves and walks on and waves....
And while i know that this 'being able to separate from me' is a necessary evil...
it still is the 'bitter' in the 'sweet' ya know...yes i know u do :)

So it has come to pass...
 that i find myself taking the same path that the
 younger...
fresher...
softer...
 Charmaine took so many years ago...
for although some things may have changed...
plenty has stayed the same...

i still 'mother' the same...so clearly i am happy with my way :)

This
 older...
wiser...
a little more 'no nonsense'
version
she too sits in the car...
and watches and waits...
just in case...

I 'speech' Bradley... everyday about...

being good
working hard
being careful
being kind

*carrying his candle*


and regularly about...

not talking to strangers
not going anywhere with strangers who may tell him 'lies' to draw him away
about who would come for him in a real emergency
not going near the school gates
 not following friends off the school grounds

well i say regularly but honestly...
 it's probably every day too
lol


The best thing to come out of this new chapter... after his new found confidence....
is that i am able to just watch...and those that watch... they see...
and do you know what i see...

LOVE
like a rainbow

Parents casually walking their little ones in...
hand holding...
talking as they go...
big people with kids bags over their shoulders...
loving goodbyes
warm hugs
generous kisses
a gentle hand on a small arm
children's faces lovingly held
the precious bending of the adult back to get down to their level
that very anxious child's fears...fears written as clearly on his face as my words on this page...
 heard...
as that Dad decides to rather walk his son in ...
 even if it makes him late...
this scene played out in front of my car...
and i wanted to cheer out loud :)
the Mommy that encourages her daughter to walk in with her friends...
but understands the child's reluctance and relents...
 and there they go onto the school grounds together...and the child is
 happy...

IT IS NO SMALL THING

for if your parents who gave u life can't...
not only listen to BUT hear...
understand
support
cherish
help
focus on
and
love u

then who in this crazy world can...?

Watching a Son grow...

When i count my blessings i count my children twice :)

When i was pregnant the first time...with the first grand child...we ALL wanted a girl...

My mothering instinct to protect my children kicked in...i felt sorry for and protective of the son i may be carrying...because no one 'wanted' him...i should have known then...i would be good at this :)

So i convinced myself i must be carrying a boy child...i mean seriously what were the chances that i was about to give everyone exactly what they wanted...slim to none was my thought... 

We found out in the delivery room that our wish had been granted...

Unfortunately...there were no ...

CONGRATULATIONS IT'S A GIRL...

:(

I was 23 years young and sensitive... 

I had just laboured  for 14 long and painful hours...

and been delivered of a 3.8 kg baby...

she had needed PLENTY of help being born...
and we really almost lost her that day...but that's a story for another time...

All is well that ends well  right :)

I was 'over the moon'...
i had a brand new little person to love...

I had no fear...

i was a girl...she was a girl...

I'VE GOT THIS

i thought :)

...until...

Fast forward 3 years...

I gave birth to my first son...

And i should have known by the way Brandon arrived into our world... and hearts...
that this new relationship was a game-changer...
that he would always be the one to challenge me...to be better and faster and more loving and more angry and more forgiving and less afraid and to just... LET GO...

Now baby boys and girls are mostly the same in the beginning...
BUT... there comes a time...
for us it was when Brandon turned 3...
and
with a flick of the BOY switch..
all that male-child-ness becomes visible like a watermark...
and it's sink or swim time...


I never really wanted to mother boys...

they are too loud...
too busy...

too boy...

too different...

And during the rough and tumble years...
the struggle years...
the sighing... eye rolling years...
the angry words years...
the i am sorry years...his and mine...
the worry years...
the tears in BOTH our eyes years...
I wondered at why God had thought i could do this...
ALWAYS grateful that He had given me a...
 reasonably good...totally sweet and loving in nature...
little man...with a soft heart at his center...

Sometimes my challenge-child... ALWAYS my darling...
There were many time i thought of throwing in the towel...
[how does one even do that...in parenting?]

But i discovered that in love i am no quitter...

I just don't have it in me to turn away...
  walk away...
and stay away...

Yes i may storm off...speaking cross words...
words i never dreamed would ever leave my lips...
only to turn back... a room away...and retrace my steps...
back to him...
ready to show him...
I.
am.
 all in.
for him.

So the growing together years were filled to overflowing with...
the bitter-sweetness of motherhood and childhood...
for you can't have one without the other now can you :)

Then suddenly your tween becomes a teen...

And how different that process is...
I knew what to expect with Bianca-Leigh...
but watching a son grow...now that is something else..
it has surprised me...
and
delighted me...

It's a gradual thing...
starting slowly...

suddenly...

the voice breaks...
and underarm hairs spring into the light...
before my very eyes
 that upper lip become slightly hairy...and the hairs grow darker...
and the feet grow and grow...
and the legs grow and grow and grow...
and he gets broader shoulders...
and biceps begin to bulge...
and legs grow as strong a steel...

and he starts to treat me like a woman...not just Mom...
standing back to let me pass...
carrying heavy things like the grocery bags for me...
and i am thrilled :) because i like 'real' men and he is becoming one...
he  begins helping his Dad with things... more and more...
almost ready to stand shoulder to shoulder with his Dad...
in height and strength...
of muscle and character :)
And when he speaks...from the heart as he so often does...
[he and i know no other way to be...]
he.
 blows.
 me.
 away...!
he has a very well developed EQ...
with enough sympathy and empathy...
common sense...good strong morals...
and a heart of gold i tell u...
that belies his tender age of 15...

And
I
 REJOICE 
that I have a Son

and that I have been privileged enough watched him grow...
into the great kid he is...
and that he'll put his arm around me in public :)
and tell me how much he loves me <3

And i gratefully acknowledge that the Lord ...
 has blessed me beyond measure...

<3<3<3

  Post Script
Dedicated to my oldest Son...
of who i couldn't be more proud...
Thank you...

You go Boy !
Behind you... 
every step of the way...

<3
















  

18 years is not long enough...

This last little while... she has shifted sharply into focus for me...
it's her last year in high school...

the Matric Farewell excitement is building...
looming ever larger... University on the horizon...
turning 18...and arrival of 'the Boy'...
 :)

Started me thinking...
as she stands on the very edge of childhood...
about to cross the stream...
it has been 'baby steps' that has brought us this far...
along the meandering path that we have traveled as...
a mother and her daughter...
this journey...hers and mine... has had all the expected joys and sorrows....
 and then taken a few unexpected turns too...
we have lived...learned and loved and grown together and each woman in her own right too...

18 years is not long enough to tell her how much she has come to mean to my heart...
not with all the written words in all the books in all of the world are there those perfect words...
not even 18 years of 'expressions of love' can truly convey the depth and breadth of my feelings for her...

 i will naturally keep trying...

the truth i'll tell every time ...

This post is in it's own small way going to reveal some of the big i feel... for her......because u see...
i WILL use all of my words... all of your words... and their words too...
because...
When i love...i LOVE...

This year you have shown me just how BIG your brave is...

remember to help others find their brave too...

                                          

Dance :)

You are one of a kind...remember that <3

Post Script

I will speak words of love, light and truth into her life ... always...

XXX

C

They don't know...

I am crying and hurting...

my child and i are on different pages...

and i realize through the tears that it may be unfair to expect my child to meet me half way...

 if they simply...

just can't...

Just like a mother would not expect a young child to carry a full glass of water across the room without spilling...maybe i can't expect more than this...for now...

They can't possibly know...

HOW MUCH LOVE i put into EVERYTHING I DO...

every conversation...
every time i stop and listen to you...
look at you...

every time i climb behind the wheel to drive them from here to there... and back again...
the hours and hours i sit waiting for them in my car...

every pain and flu tablet i pop out of that blister-pack...

every vitamin and allergy pill i try to remember to give...

every cup of coffee made just they way they like it...

a special treat provided...just because i know you will smile...

every banana with cinnamon or apple with peanut-butter i chop up after 8pm... 

a hug at the right time...

a chewing out...

the times i have been prepared to do battle on your behalf...

the buying of yet another bottle of conditioner because we are looking for the 'right' one...

the plucking of eyebrows...not mine...

every time i stand and watch some new level reached on the computer...not really understanding a word being spoken...but making all the right noises anyway...

walking through the dark cold house in the wee small hours checking that all slumber peacefully...

the time i say "just call me if you need me...if you feel worse during the night" and mean every word...because you are NEVER too much trouble for me...

every load of washing ever washed... dried... ironed...

every single prayer spoken out loud at bedtime or whispered in my car...

the concern for that finger slammed in the car boot today...

the time in the car that i stitched on that button that's fallen off your jacket just as we were leaving for somewhere...

helping you to wash your hair...

having your school uniforms ready on time...

the starting of every difficult conversation...

every photo i take of you...

the sympathy...

THE EMPATHY...because i feel for you...

the times i share my bag of chips or roll of sweets...that last sip of my guava-juice...

the homework help provided...

that water in the glass bottle that i put in the car for long journeys to quench your thirst...glass being safer than plastic...should the car stand out in the sun...

the times i help you make up your mind...even though i want for you to be able to do it yourself...

giving you your space and longing for you at the same time...  

the badly timed trips to the shops to buy that examination pad so desperately needed...

when i say 'just let me know that all is well with you...when you are away from home'

the being there...

being available all the time...

being switched on...

tuned in... 

they just don't know...

 that i put love pure and simple into all i do...

and when things go wrong between us it hurts...

<3<3<3

Mothering Moments...

You know how 'we' always say our little ones are going through... 'this stage' or 'that stage'...?

Well... *breaking news*...

 mothers also go through 'stages'...usually one step BEHIND the kiddies...

am i right or am i right :)

Sometimes when reading the breathtakingly... heartrendingly...beautiful mothering moments
 of others... who experience motherhood as i do...with all the passion of A GREAT LOVE STORY...

I am reminded afresh...not only why i do what i do...

but

of how important EVERYTHING i do is...

every word
every look
every touch
every feeling
every thought
every breath
every...moment...

You see I have been mothering for 18 years now...

 and have seen the sun rise and set on many stages already...

theirs and mine...

One thing i know like i know my children's hearts...

I 

never

 stop 

learning...
growing...
BECOMING...

Parenting 'big kids' is very different from raising up 'little kids'...!

and then there are moments that feel like the 'old days...'

-the worry-the stress-the fear-the tiredness- 

...the having to go with your instincts...

But they are 'fewer and farther between moments'...

Thankfully... the growing...is slow...as is the passage of time...when facing forward anyway...

and you can keep up...well almost :)
Sometimes... we 'look'...but do not 'see'...

Other times... we have no choice...

...an old photo...

and the change in your child reaches out from the past and grabs you by the throat...

and gives you a shake...till your heart aches...

 and you just have to say out loud for all... or no one at all... to hear...
'look how much you have...changed...'

'...traitor mine...'
:)

I had a moment just like this the other day...
a real time...right here and now moment...
an as i blinked moment...

Bianca-Leigh and i went to have our hair done...
some... us time...

We were at different 'stages' [of the process...]
she was leading and i was in hot pursuit...

our hairdresser stood between us...
 putting the finishing touches to Bianca's hair...blocking my view...

Stepping back...
and the great reveal had the maximum effect...

 I actually caught my breath...

the way she looked...   transformed...  
 literally took my breath away...

I am sure i blinked...hard...

i must have smiled...broadly...

as i told her how pretty she looked...
I felt so pleased in that moment...no not pleased...delighted :)

An ordinary moment in motherhood...?

No... my heart knew better...

I had just come face to face with the grown version of my blond haired, blue eyed little girl...
a young woman... not a child... sat there with me...
like an apparition...a lovely albeit unexpected one...
 she was........
 poignantly familiar... but 'beautifully brand new' all at once...and it was as if
 i was standing still on our 'life-line' in time...able to look back along our time together...seeing clearly...and then... with just a turn of my face...like following the arch of the sun through these skies as blue as her eyes...able to face forward...and see only... this moment...
for the rest is still unwritten...

The 'breaking of a new dawn' has splashed gloriously luminous colour across the heavens...

What a joy...these mothering moments are.

<3


Post Script
Mothers must not forget that our lives are running parallel to the lives of our children...
and sometimes if we are mothering with intension our 'life lines' touch and in that touching we feel the love
in all its depth and breadth :)
<3<3<3

Lucky we Float...

It's a pleasant Winters day...

I sit outside alone...the sun is too hot...and i move into the shade...

 i can hear birds... tweeting and flapping occasionally by...

the wind... playing through the branches...

cars... zooming along the double road not far from here...

it's funny how sound travels...

somewhere in the neighborhood...a child's swing squeaks...

as my wind-chimes... sing me a disjointed song...

one i love...

Being a rather visual person...my eye is quite naturally drawn to the beauty of the moment...

be it hard to find...i'll try...

and so it is that my eye falls on the blue water of our pool...

over and over...that... or the realm of the sky that holds all heavenly bodies...

sun, moon and stars...birds and bees... pretty white clouds... and more...

The playful wind is putting on a show for me...

birds that glide elegantly overhead...leaves dancing... still on the twig...

Bradley's blue ball floating in the pool is being pushed and pulled...

this way then that...

I watch that ball...as it slips and slides... 

over it's cool blue dance floor...

changing direction in a heartbeat... that ball... a dancer ...the breeze... the music...

and the thought occurs...

that body of water is like 'this thing we call life'...

large-beautiful-deeper here than over there-meant to be enjoyed-'jumped into'...

...boots and all...

and 'we' are that ball...

at the mercy of the winds of war-peace-love-joy-sorrow-circumstance...

thinking we have 'control'...but in truth having to accede defeat...

we are no more in control than Bradley's ball is...

most of the time we can just be lucky we 'float'...

xxx