Beautifully Broken

We attended a 'Carols By Candle-Light' this past Sunday evening....hosted by my youngest sons primary school [for next year...] After a few overcast and rainy days... that threatening to spoil our fun.... the sun finally came bursting through in the kinda spectacular way we expect living here in Africa... the dramatic grey sky slowly transformed into a crystal clear blue Summer's afternoon....and we knew 'it was on!!'
 We were almost [but not quite]  first to arrive... with our picnic basket, blanket and kids in tow...

My husband picked 'the spot'... off to the right of the stage and in the 'front row' if there is such a thing on the grass of a rugby-field...

What a lovely evening we enjoyed worshiping God and then singing those carols that we all know and love...  While we sat and sang and enjoyed family time and the glorious weather... the sun began her fiery decent into dusk...right behind the stage... something caught my 'photographers eye'... one of the flood lights...a square boxlike affair...with a 'light' inside [not in use...to allow for the maximum effect of candles] had a broken glass cover...my first thought went to how something so high up could have gotten broken...could a 'naughty' school child have thrown a stone...that high...? as i pondered the thought...   i became aware of how the sun was lighting up the 'untidy fringe' of  glass still in place... it glowed golden... and became... beautiful in it's brokenness... had i not been 'busy' i would have tried to capture the sight...  

Then under the spell of carols... out in nature... as dusk slowly fell... it dawned on me that 'we' are like that glass...broken [sinners] but remarkably beautiful in our Creator's eyes...

Growing Pains ...

For My Heart...From My Heart :)

It's all about how i can only do things
 'in MY way' because...
 being me is all i have...
 and it's enough...!

This post has been a long time coming... my other blog is a photo challenge blog... this one is a little different... this one is for my heart from my heart...  

We all go through 'tough stuff' painful uncomfortable things...

My first topic...
Growing Pains ...

I am SAD... 
sad to see my last born child leaving 
nursery school...
He is 6 years old and to my horror... no longer strictly speaking my 'baby'... you can't honestly call a child that age a baby now can you...

Both my older kids went to the same nursery school and i felt this way with them too... and survived :)
the only difference is that this is my 'last' little one :(  no more babies for me...
not that i am 'too old' or wouldn't absolutely love another little one in my arms...
But the end of my 'child bearing years' have never the less arrived and i don't like it !!!
Not one little bit...!

I am not like other woman... most people i know can't wait for their kids to
 grow up and grow away...

I am filled with sadness at the thought...
and as shocking as this may sound...
i just really feel like the best years of my life are over :(((

My husband hates it when i say things like that... he doesn't understand... but then again neither do i... why must things always be so hard with me...? 


I know i'll be 'happy' again...
but no expensive far-away holiday... new car or fancy furniture makes me feel this rich deep and abiding sense of fulfillment...this soaked to the pores feeling of... wonder, joy and love... i have really enjoyed being a mother [it's actually all i've ever wanted to be... even as a little girl i can remember playing with my dolls and wishing them to be real... living, breathing babies...] 

I am happiest when 'my nest' is full...like for school holidays...when most mothers are feeling ... lets just say... 'differently' ... 
these same mothers... they want to celebrate 'back to school' day...
and i have often asked myself don't 'they' understand or care how fast their kids are growing up and away... 



I was thinking back over my life the other day...
remembering...
 and i realized something...



 The younger me wanted...
 the love of a 'good' man [and i prayed earnestly for that...] and also children. 

I feel VERY BLESSED to have both...
 and thank God ALWAYS for granting me the 2 things that are all i have ever wanted... all my dreams have come true... not many people can say that and have it be the honest truth :)

But now as they grow...
i am faced with the burning question...
What's next... and if nothing can compare to the 'platinum' of being a mom... then how much 'fun' WILL i be having...?

Here having faith comes into my story...
I am sure God has a plan for the older me too...

I strongly believe in all things having a beginning...middle and end ... and that u can't skip over any of them to get to the other... 'the only way out is through'... this thing we call life... all the peaks and all the valleys... 

As my littlest son goes through these last few days of nursery school... nursery school with  it's comforting sights and sounds... evidence of young childhood everywhere... a time of innocence and feeling safe and sheltered...
I know saying goodbye is going to be SO hard... i'll thank his teachers for all they have so lovingly done... for 'mothering' my boy in my absence... and help them to understand how special i think a 'good' teacher is !

I no doubt will cry...

And as we stand by the gate... he and i... about to leave for the very last time... i'll pause and look back over the playground where i know my 3 spent many happy hours just playing [each in their own season...] precious time... just being little... these were truly the wonder years... i will know that...
it is the end of an era and it will hurt...!