My 'forever' Baby...

My 'forever' Baby...would have turned 7 this past April...

The anniversary of my loss is almost upon me...

 ...again...

Not a year goes by that i am not a little haunted at this time of year...

What i know is that...

i

 am 

the 

only

 one

 who

still

 remembers

While i mostly have people around me to support me...
there are a few things in this life that one must do all alone....
be born. give birth. die.
miscarry...

Let me tell u my story...

I was much younger then...i had my 'pigeon pair'...
still i absolutely yearned for another child...

i tried being hard on myself...

tried to accept that i was done with babies...
but

i couldn't come to terms with it...
i struggled daily with the accepting...
tears flowed freely ...
even when i was 'out and about'...
 they would just come...
my eyes would...
 fill up... and
 overflow...

the heart wants what the heart wants...

Edwin said he was willing...
that he thought i would regret not having 'just one more'...
it was left up to me...
to decide...
i got stuck...

i prayed about it for the longest time...

was another child part of God's plan for my life...?

i didn't want to do anything outside of God's will for me...

i prayed

and prayed

and

prayed

for years...

no answer came...
i was stuck...waiting...
wanting...

August 2005 arrived...
bringing with her thrilling news...

 I was unexpectedly expecting...
my joy catapulted me to the moon...and i could touch the stars ...
I thought to myself... 'my prayers have been answered'...

Edwin said "Well now we know which way to go"...

We were SO happy...
Until September arrived...
Until we no longer had a reason...because...
Spring brought with her the saddest of news...
And for me... the stars fell right out of the night sky...


My dream lay smashed...
  a million sparkling little shards on the ground at my feet...
cutting and drawing blood as they blew around my mind... and my life...
 their cruelly broken beauty became embedded in my soul...
there was no mercy as i mourned...

Yes i  mourned ...
I mourned that Baby deeply ...
I was 7 weeks into 'our story'...
only the prologue really...
true...
but i had already...

 loved
dreamed
planned
made a space

as only a mother can

and then....
emptiness...

all kinds of emptiness...
shock...
horror...
anger too...

everything hurt...

my heart
my mind
 my soul

even words hurt...

FEW said the right thing...

i would get SO CROSS ...
encouraging words had this effect on me...

the worst words were the...
 uncaring words
unfeeling words
'untouched' words
dumb words
numb words

i was silently screaming

'don't tell me it's ok...
it's not ok...!
can't u feel my pain...?
THAT'S NOT OK!
just leave me alone...
i want to be alone
ok!!!....'

there were moments...
 i felt sure things would never be 'ok' again...
ever...

But God is good...
i didn't see it at the time...
looking back I KNOW...
He placed certain people on my path...
 just before...
and just after...
my miscarriage
because God's timing is perfect...
He is never early... never late...

3 strangers sent to help me...
to show me...others have suffered too...some more than i...
that even during my worst time....things could have been worse...
and then most pivotal to my healing...
a very old and Godly woman...
 to share her story...
 of life and of loss with me...
 so i could find the answers i was seeking...
and PEACE too...


And so as my mind and heart turn back the pages of time... i find...
this story has lost some of it's sting...
but none of it's sadness for me...
...only me...

Post Script
*for a while i refused to 'try again'...thankfully time does heal...
and i was only prepared to give 'it' one month...
*i conceived on the 31st of December 2005...
*and that's why i say Bradley is the only 'New Years Resolution' i have ever kept :)
* that's also why there is such a huge age gap between my 'pigeon pair' and my Lovebug
*ironically Bradley was born the following September...
and the circle... closed...

p.p.s.
sometimes no answer... is an answer.

IT IS NO SMALL THING...

I am not a housewife...i quite dislike the word actually...
it holds no meaning for me...
it's not who i am...

i am...
  a
 stay-at-home-mom...
'mom'... being the key word :)

i am not 'lucky' to be one...luck implies that it came to be by accident...

but i am grateful...

I have made MANY sacrifices to be here for my children...

 and i would do it all over again...
in a heartbeat :)

Not having to rush away after dropping my Bradley off at school is such a blessing...
let me explain...

When Bianca-Leigh [18] and Brandon [15] were in grade one i was able to walk them in and wait...
for teachers or the bell...whatever they needed...i was in no rush...
But with the passage of time they eventually started to walk in from the car all by themselves...
and i would just sit there in my car for at least 10 minutes maybe more...watching and waiting...my mothers heart just could not bare the thought that they may remember something urgent and return to tell me...
and that i would not be there
*gasp*

My little lovebug Bradley [6]  is an enigma...
he has needed me more desperately...more consistently and for longer...
but once he finds his rhythm...he'll dance !

Not too long ago...
 the beginning of the third term to be exact...he found it...
 he took the huge step of being brave enough to try walking in alone...
my heart fractured just a little to be honest...i would have walked him in for two years... two terms seemed too short...but i don't believe in holding my children back...and since then he has 'never looked back'....no not really...he walks a little bit of the way and looks back and waves and walks on and waves....
And while i know that this 'being able to separate from me' is a necessary evil...
it still is the 'bitter' in the 'sweet' ya know...yes i know u do :)

So it has come to pass...
 that i find myself taking the same path that the
 younger...
fresher...
softer...
 Charmaine took so many years ago...
for although some things may have changed...
plenty has stayed the same...

i still 'mother' the same...so clearly i am happy with my way :)

This
 older...
wiser...
a little more 'no nonsense'
version
she too sits in the car...
and watches and waits...
just in case...

I 'speech' Bradley... everyday about...

being good
working hard
being careful
being kind

*carrying his candle*


and regularly about...

not talking to strangers
not going anywhere with strangers who may tell him 'lies' to draw him away
about who would come for him in a real emergency
not going near the school gates
 not following friends off the school grounds

well i say regularly but honestly...
 it's probably every day too
lol


The best thing to come out of this new chapter... after his new found confidence....
is that i am able to just watch...and those that watch... they see...
and do you know what i see...

LOVE
like a rainbow

Parents casually walking their little ones in...
hand holding...
talking as they go...
big people with kids bags over their shoulders...
loving goodbyes
warm hugs
generous kisses
a gentle hand on a small arm
children's faces lovingly held
the precious bending of the adult back to get down to their level
that very anxious child's fears...fears written as clearly on his face as my words on this page...
 heard...
as that Dad decides to rather walk his son in ...
 even if it makes him late...
this scene played out in front of my car...
and i wanted to cheer out loud :)
the Mommy that encourages her daughter to walk in with her friends...
but understands the child's reluctance and relents...
 and there they go onto the school grounds together...and the child is
 happy...

IT IS NO SMALL THING

for if your parents who gave u life can't...
not only listen to BUT hear...
understand
support
cherish
help
focus on
and
love u

then who in this crazy world can...?

Watching a Son grow...

When i count my blessings i count my children twice :)

When i was pregnant the first time...with the first grand child...we ALL wanted a girl...

My mothering instinct to protect my children kicked in...i felt sorry for and protective of the son i may be carrying...because no one 'wanted' him...i should have known then...i would be good at this :)

So i convinced myself i must be carrying a boy child...i mean seriously what were the chances that i was about to give everyone exactly what they wanted...slim to none was my thought... 

We found out in the delivery room that our wish had been granted...

Unfortunately...there were no ...

CONGRATULATIONS IT'S A GIRL...

:(

I was 23 years young and sensitive... 

I had just laboured  for 14 long and painful hours...

and been delivered of a 3.8 kg baby...

she had needed PLENTY of help being born...
and we really almost lost her that day...but that's a story for another time...

All is well that ends well  right :)

I was 'over the moon'...
i had a brand new little person to love...

I had no fear...

i was a girl...she was a girl...

I'VE GOT THIS

i thought :)

...until...

Fast forward 3 years...

I gave birth to my first son...

And i should have known by the way Brandon arrived into our world... and hearts...
that this new relationship was a game-changer...
that he would always be the one to challenge me...to be better and faster and more loving and more angry and more forgiving and less afraid and to just... LET GO...

Now baby boys and girls are mostly the same in the beginning...
BUT... there comes a time...
for us it was when Brandon turned 3...
and
with a flick of the BOY switch..
all that male-child-ness becomes visible like a watermark...
and it's sink or swim time...


I never really wanted to mother boys...

they are too loud...
too busy...

too boy...

too different...

And during the rough and tumble years...
the struggle years...
the sighing... eye rolling years...
the angry words years...
the i am sorry years...his and mine...
the worry years...
the tears in BOTH our eyes years...
I wondered at why God had thought i could do this...
ALWAYS grateful that He had given me a...
 reasonably good...totally sweet and loving in nature...
little man...with a soft heart at his center...

Sometimes my challenge-child... ALWAYS my darling...
There were many time i thought of throwing in the towel...
[how does one even do that...in parenting?]

But i discovered that in love i am no quitter...

I just don't have it in me to turn away...
  walk away...
and stay away...

Yes i may storm off...speaking cross words...
words i never dreamed would ever leave my lips...
only to turn back... a room away...and retrace my steps...
back to him...
ready to show him...
I.
am.
 all in.
for him.

So the growing together years were filled to overflowing with...
the bitter-sweetness of motherhood and childhood...
for you can't have one without the other now can you :)

Then suddenly your tween becomes a teen...

And how different that process is...
I knew what to expect with Bianca-Leigh...
but watching a son grow...now that is something else..
it has surprised me...
and
delighted me...

It's a gradual thing...
starting slowly...

suddenly...

the voice breaks...
and underarm hairs spring into the light...
before my very eyes
 that upper lip become slightly hairy...and the hairs grow darker...
and the feet grow and grow...
and the legs grow and grow and grow...
and he gets broader shoulders...
and biceps begin to bulge...
and legs grow as strong a steel...

and he starts to treat me like a woman...not just Mom...
standing back to let me pass...
carrying heavy things like the grocery bags for me...
and i am thrilled :) because i like 'real' men and he is becoming one...
he  begins helping his Dad with things... more and more...
almost ready to stand shoulder to shoulder with his Dad...
in height and strength...
of muscle and character :)
And when he speaks...from the heart as he so often does...
[he and i know no other way to be...]
he.
 blows.
 me.
 away...!
he has a very well developed EQ...
with enough sympathy and empathy...
common sense...good strong morals...
and a heart of gold i tell u...
that belies his tender age of 15...

And
I
 REJOICE 
that I have a Son

and that I have been privileged enough watched him grow...
into the great kid he is...
and that he'll put his arm around me in public :)
and tell me how much he loves me <3

And i gratefully acknowledge that the Lord ...
 has blessed me beyond measure...

<3<3<3

  Post Script
Dedicated to my oldest Son...
of who i couldn't be more proud...
Thank you...

You go Boy !
Behind you... 
every step of the way...

<3