#motherhood

Hello :)  and welcome back ...

Recently i went to a 'stork party'...I love stork parties :)

There were a couple of moments i just wanted to pull out my camera and throw myself into trying to capture that perfect photo...there was an adorable little girl of 2 at this party [for her cousin as yet not born...]

A mama 'in love' with her young child... just as all mamas should be...

a mama-to-be...with so much lying ahead... on this her journey... from novice to seasoned...

a granny of one...celebrating the baby still to come...   

This is what life is all about...

love...family...friends...celebrating life...

There was GOOD food and even better company...

gentle teasing and loud bursts of laughter...

hugs...kisses... and well wishes...

There were comments and advice and questions asked...

and

 as Bianca-Leigh and i sat with these friendly strangers... listening and watching...

  the conversations and stories flowed over us and wrapped around us...

 i found myself thinking how hard motherhood feels sometimes...

how hard 'mothering well' sometimes is...

and how... for all our differences...

 we mothers are so similar in our grand love for our babies...

The mother of the 2 year old is a 'working mommy'

as i have already mentioned she is besotted with her little girl...

she is a great mommy to that sweet little thing :)

and i mean to tell her what a good job she is doing when next we speak...
for i know that all mothers [working or not] need praise and encouragement...

There were conversations that made me think...

A nice lady asked me...

"so where do u work...?"

"I am a stay-at-home-mom..." i replied...
 the smile that started in my heart... reached my eyes...

because i like saying it...

it 'means 'something' to me...

it.  is. who. I. am.

"oh you are lucky...i couldn't afford to do that..." she said just making conversation...

i was quick to explain that... for me...

it isn't about being able to afford to do so...not really...

I mean... more money would be more than welcome in this household...and that's a fact...

Also that I have sacrificed many things to stay home and be there with my children...

to be there for my children...

 that it's what i wanted to do with my life...for them and for me...

and we agreed that there is no win-win in motherhood...

that you can't have it all in mothering...

that there are pros and cons in all things mother...
something has got to give...

This exchange got me thinking...

about the things i have never had and never will...

*There is no paycheck at the end of the month for a job well done...

and as a result I can't help supplement our income :(

*There are no promotions or pats on the back... 

*no fancy cars...*not fancy rings...*nor fancy clothes and shoes...will ever be mine...

*no career accomplishments or accolades...

*less knowledge is mine...so maybe less confidence too...

*sometimes i don't fit in 'the world' at all...
*i am soft...working women are tougher than I or so it seems...

*I just can't give my kids everything material that they want...saying no is so not fun!!!

yes...

There is no glory in being a stay-at-home-mom...

so that is something else i have given up...glory...

oh... but no...wait a minute...that's just not true...

There is a quiet, unseen, unheard kind of glory in being your child's 'favourite favourite'

in being able to be the 'hero' who rides in on the white horse to rescue the sick child from school...

and stand watch over them until by the grace of God... good health returns once more...

there is peace in not having to choose between my child and my job...

in having the time to not only 'listen' but really 'hear' when my children speak to me...

in not feeling torn...in not having to arrange my life around what my boss wants me to do as opposed to what my child needs me to do... there is a deep pride and joy in being able to teach them what they need to know about life myself...there is a sense of great accomplishment in knowing them inside out...their thoughts and feelings about things big and small...what hurts them and what heals them...

i am their confidant...and keeper of secrets...their champion...their sounding board...

and moral compass and i enjoy every moment...

You see for me doing what i do...

 goes so much deeper...it satisfies me...makes me happy...

for all i have given up...i have gained more than i have ever lost...i am not torn...
i am whole...we are whole...

i feel good...i have not a single regret...

i wouldn't have it any other way...

i have lived my dream...

my reward is a feeling...theirs and mine...

Brave Beautiful Butterfly...

The edge of day was wet and misty...a bleak grey start...

The colours were muted...dull greens lined the way...either side of me...

This road is a river...a river that takes me away...out of town...and her little car is my boat...

I sail away from her and towards my Boys...i am bringing them a hot drink on a cold day...

But as i listen to Justin [who else] on the radio...my mind is with her...knowing a tough day is waiting to unfold before her...many footsteps...hers...repeatedly the heavens will open...the sky will cry straight down onto her bright pink umbrella...she'll be dry and safe but still unsure and slightly uncomfortable...she does not handle change well....and for now change will be her constant companion...new places...new faces...strange eyes searching hers out...trying to figure her out...

brand new friendships will be born and take first breath...

What will she discover on this new chapter begun...?

Strengths she never knew she had...weaknesses too...fears...a few...

One thing is sure...knowledge will be hers from today onward...

the kind u find in books... and gain from people...and new experiences....

good and bad...

She will discover the truth...her truth...

not mine not his... hers...

And all the lessons i have tried to teach her throughout these....

 magical... slowly meandering speed of light years...?

EVERY SINGLE PRAYER I HAVE EVER whispered in the dead of night...spoken out loud with a smile on my lips or called out over her from deep within my trembling heart...prayers that i have forgotten all about...my God has heard and remembers them all ...every fight her and i have ever ALMOST had... every loving look and moments of understanding that have passed from me to her and back...these things have been readying her for this next chapter in her story...and will stand her in good stead... 

For i was there... from the very beginning...and only by the grace of God... i still am...

her time is now...like a butterfly bewildered after it's birth...she stands...

for a moment drying out those new wings...uncurling their beauty...catching her breath...

Be brave beautiful little butterfly

gently does it...time to show your unique wing design and splashes of colour...

hand painted there by the creator Himself...

You got this...

<3

Post Script

My daughter Bianca-Leigh has just started  University...fresh out of high school...she wants to become a teacher in the foundation phase [grade 0 through 3]...and finds the idea of being one of the very first people to impact a young mind in a positive way very exciting...

While we are lucky she is able to stay home with us during her studies...

 this is still a season of... 'everything all so brand new' and is a little overwhelming for her and for us...

She is still in a time of adjustment...and as for Edwin and I...we are both totally there for her...behind her every step of the way...still... all in for her...
while learning to 'let go'... little bit by precious little bit...

because that's what parents do...