The Camera vs The Shutterbug :)

To be honest... i was not sure which blog to post this on...

i had to give it a think...

It's about my photography...so i could have posted to GotMyShot...right...

and i was tempted...but as 'this one' is about how i feel...

X marks the spot :)

Where to begin...?!

well...at the beginning...duh :)

The Camera vs The Shutterbug 

As this is a 'personal blog'....mine...let me tell you what i think...

While there are those that feel that it's the person behind the lens that should take all the credit...

for stunning shots....that tell 'the story'...long after the fire's embers have lost their warm glow...

shots that have captured a 'treasured moment'...saved it...for a rainy day...for forever...

recorded lovingly... perfectly...our times...our faces...our places...our feelings...our dreams...our memories...our history...

like 'they' know just how important these things are... to you...to me...

I am not one of them...

I'll admit the Shutterbug needs...

an eye for it...

a little flare for it...

a lot of passion for it...

but 

for me...i am not afraid to 'share the glory' with my beloved camera :)

as an absolute novice... i know that my camera makes me 'look good'

and i am cool with that :)

Taking a really 'good' shot takes time...so you have to love it...want it...

and the way getting it makes you feel is ... thrilling... to say the least :)

Even though i am quite humble about 'it'...my 'talent' that is...

i must feel that i do have some...'talent' that is :)

lol

no seriously now...!... I do believe that technology is creating the illusion 

of...everyone and their mother being able to take fab photos...

like on instagram... all the 'effects' one can use to spruce up ones shots...

... OR

 all the 'things' one can do on ones computer... what do the call it...'photo shop'...don't like it !!

may look good...better...best...

but

 it's cheating in my book...!

SO...

let the record show...

i would rather be able to 'get' my shot....the ....oh what's the word...???

authentic way...than any other...!

Having said that...i just bought myself a new camera...for the Justin Bieber concert

the concert that Bianca-Leigh and i will be going to together...SOON :)

[she could probably tell you the days. hours. minutes. left]

the one we have been waiting for since almost 12 months ago

 when the first rumors that he may come to our sunny SA

started...yikes !! how time flies...

At her insistence i relented and got a new one...

*roll of my eyes*

the things we do for our kids [nudge nudge wink wink]

I'll not be allowed to take my other one in...damn!...and hers is "not good enough" apparently :)

so now there's me [not great with technology AT ALL] playing around with said new purchase...

only to learn she's got some fancy 'effects' herself...  #whoknew...#shouldhaveknown...!

#FUN

and it really is....!

Am i gonna use it...?...hell yes :)

BUT

Do I still prefer my 'old love' to this pretty PINK new one...?

YES i do :)

What do all my ramblings amount to...?

in one sentence...

the camera vs the shutterbug... #teamwork

just the way i like it !

:) 

 I used the HDR Painting Effect on these shots...

I think i like :)

The day school was FULL OF COOL :)

On Friday Bradley went to school...

school with...

the usual spaces... 

the usual faces...

same old-same old...

NO... not today :)

today things were...

totally transformed...

I took my camera along...

and i was glad...!

The ribbons of the mornings magic...

 wrapped themselves around me as soon as i parked my car...

'they' tied me up tight :)

 as...

i stepped from 'my ordinary'...

 into the 'extraordinary'...

Electricity charged the still... cool... air...

and jump-started me into action :)
 a silly grin found it's home on my face...

All around us...

everywhere i looked...

I was transfixed by the sight ...

the shimmer-shine-sparkle... of gossamer fairy wings and wands...

a pop of colour...over here.....and over there.....

oceans of blue and greens... as far as the eye could see...

pirates with eye patches...hooks...beards and scars could be seen... heard too :)

  toy swords... of silver and gold flashed in the sunlight as...

 pretend battles were waged and won... their black hats fell to the dusty ground...forgotten...

[yes....boys will be boys]

There were cowboys and cowgirls...in white and brown...

Toy Story kids...zooming around...

Peter Pans and Tinks...holding their ground..

Lions......ready to roar...

'Marvel Superheros'...galore...

'Star Wars' warriors...good to go...  

and last but not least...

".....and the Oscar goes to...."

those dressed to the nines...

Isn't life funny...i knew it was 'dress rehearsal day'...

but i had not given much thought to...

how different the day would feel and look...!

What a lovely surprise :)

Like the characters from every kids story book and movie...
was attending at our school...

I wish school could be SO FULL OF COOL everyday :)

Grade 1....'Under the Sea'...hence the blue...

2 darling pirates...steal the show :)

If dress rehearsals were anything to go by... 

our 'Night at the Movies' promises to be quite entertaining :)
watch this space...
  

  FYI...
Here in sunny SA our children wear school uniforms.

Long story...short :)

'You still have SO much to learn...in life'

Giving Me the Eye ...

There i was...
My favourite place...behind my camera...

Enjoying myself...A LOT :)

When suddenly...i found myself... 

caught...

 In a rather intense stare-down...

A stare-down of note...!

A stare-down of note...with A BIRD...

of all things...?!

None of the usual eyes...locked with mine...
no...

Cool clear blue eyes...Bianca-Leigh's...

 Sparkling sensitive green eyes...Brandon's...

 and  warm chocolate brown eyes...Bradley's

No these eyes were... red...!

and the bird was...

black...and

rather large...

 a swan...

but most importantly...

He was  Dad...

A Dad on the job :)

He was quite good at it too...!

I called out to Bradley... who is 6 and... my little protector...

[Bradley 'stands up' for me when he thinks Brandon who is 14 needs setting straight]
Bradley came running over...and i asked him

to keep an eye on Dad and warn me if he made his move...

I was intimidated but determined to get my shot...

and i happily got some lovely ones...

but i made quick work of it because i didn't want to stress this young family out...

well more to the point...Dad was looking ticked-off  with me...!!

 I enjoyed my time with them... just watching...

i saw that swans are great parents...

committed and protective...

Time well spent...for them...

and

for me too :)

Dad stands watch...

over...

His family ...

Mom and 3 growing fluff-balls with eyes :)

Cute thing!

Mom didn't seem to get tired of her babies...

Here Mom briefly left the pond...

but did not call the babies out...

it look like they were waiting for her 'go ahead'...

Dad held his position...eyes trained on me...

Mom returned...

Dad kept his body between his family and my camera...

creating a 'safe-zone' for them...

all the while...

giving me the eye :)

I decided against trying to get a shot of the babies on dry land...

and joined my own little family as they wandered off into the jungle of

plants up for sale...

And as i did so... i remember wishing all children...

could feel so loved and cherished ! 

Tonight i raced the sun... and won :)

See the colours drain away...

I happened to notice...

only because 'lady luck' smiled...

Kicking off my slippery slops...

I made a mad dash for my camera...

  

Tonight i raced the sun...

and won :)

 I stood and watched...the awesome display...

 a mere spectator...tiny in this great big universe...

I knew my place...

I felt inspired to TRY to capture... those... final moments...

as the mighty sun slips over the round of the earth...

when dusk would fall...softly...swiftly...

upon me...

She did not linger too long... keeping time... as old as time...

As i stood there spellbound...

by this... the 'extraordinary' smack bang in the middle of my 'ordinary'...

 an image came alive in my mind...

One of the sun 'pulling' all the colour... out of my world...in her wake...

 all those glorious golds...and oranges...

pinks and yellows too...

vanishing... 

over the edge...

and  away...

She takes them with her...

 on the rest of her travels...

to far flung places... painting their skies...

The 'drama' of tonight's sunset...where ever that may be...

 billowing out behind her...

 like the train of a ball-gown...

she dances... on...

forever on...

:) 

These arms of mine ...

There i was....

my curly hair still wet from my bath...sitting in the rocking chair in our lounge...

i say 'in' because it is the kind of chair that kinda swallows you up...

i find rocking very soothing...and have been known to 'rock' while standing talking... waiting in line...

i also pace...up and down...back and forth...it's true...i am not ever really still...

my laptop is warm on my bare legs...the Tv is on and a little too loud...

My Bradley is lying on the carpet playing...i wonder briefly if he may fall asleep there...

but no... he comes over to me a few moments later...he climbs up to sit on the armrest...

i have told him more than 100 times not to do it...but he just ignores me  :)

i remind him quietly ... and without any heat ... still he does not listen ...

i am not in the least surprised...or angry...

i don't expect him to 'perch' here like a little bird for very long...

i keep doing what i am doing...

A few moments pass...

he stays...a warm presence next to me...he is calm and relaxed...sleepy...  

how many minutes later... i can't be sure...i am blogging after all...
his head comes to rest lightly on my shoulder....
it's been a long time since i've rocked him to sleep... i think to myself...
i rock us both...and eventually wonder if he has nodded off...he stirs and
proves me wrong...he snuggles closer...into me...he is trying to get comfortable...
THE DECISION IS MADE...
i put my laptop down on the floor...out of the way...off to the side...
warning him as i do so...not to fall to the ground as the chair rocks a little wildly...
he understands my actions ... they signal to him that not only my heart...but my lap is now his...
Like dancers who know their steps..we move together...
He is now sitting comfortably on my lap and in my arms...his head rests against my chest...at first...
then later...his head lolls back...into the crook of my left arm...the place a child's head... instinctively finds...
It's been so long since i have held a sleeping child in my arms like this...my child... in his lime-green summer pajamas...the ones with a M for monster on the front... it feels SO GOOD...this moment is saturated with preciousness for me...
and then from nowhere... the ache begins...
As i become aware of his weight in my arms ...  forlorn feelings wash over me relentless like the tides...
i look down into his face...
the line of his mouth is soft and tender...eyes peeping slightly...my mind's eye takes the shot...
as this harsh thought begins to echo in the dark corners of my mind...
 'THESE ARMS OF MINE SHOULD NEVER BE EMPTY......'
i feel heart-sore ...  SUCH a good word don't u think... heart-sore... that ache !...
that one feels in your chest....your heart...a physical sensation...along with the emotional...
How can i keep my arms 'full'... like this...i ponder for a moment...knowing the sad answer...
..........i feel like my soul has just shriveled up........
like a dying flower's petals ... dry...colourful no more....drooping...ready to fall to the floor...
i have reached the end of my childbearing years...
Why did he have to climb on up here tonight :(  and remind me.....?

I read somewhere once a long time ago...when the bloom of youth was still fresh on my face...
that a mother who looses her young child to death...will still feel her child's weight in her arms...for a while...
how heartbreakingly...soul destroyingly hard that must be...
For me it is just the death of a 'dream' not my child...and i am so grateful for that....there are NO words...

Still i think i'll 'feel' the weight of him in my arms...his warmth... on that early Autumn evening...
for a long time to come...

That's just the way it is with me...


...the end...

Song by Greyson Chance : Waiting Outside The Lines...

Lyrics On Screen by Jessica Walshe

Flint in my back pocket :)

Again i know...

Am made to come face-to-face with...
that haunting feeling...
to endure it...
hands tied behind my back...
keeping eye contact with IT and her... while...
i try to mask my pain and the glistening tears that threaten...
 inwardly i am raging ...
 with EVERY cell in my body...

Good thing i am bound...!
bound by these ropes made of...
propriety...and priority...

I am in that dark, dank, desperate place...

The one where u wish....with all you were... are... and will ever be...
 as a Mother...
with your WHOLE being...in every way...!

To take your child's pain... as your own...

Like wishing hard enough...could make it happen...
More than willing...
i stand here...
ready...
 but unable to ...

...tortured...

All that's left to do......?.....

...BE THERE...
pray....

only...
always and forever...!


Her pain is magnified for me... as i watch IT play through her...
in her...
in her eyes... tears raining down... a flash flood...
the soggy white tissue in her hand has stopped fighting the good fight...
in her sweet confused face...a pretty face that i love...
in her voice...
She spills her soul to me in 5 small word...
small words...
 that have the power...
 to leave us both bleeding and bruised...

*sigh*

I can only hope to say and do the right thing...
for her ... for me

We have taken a beating her and i...but we r not broken...
God is with us...He is strong in all of us...
When God is for us...who can stand against us !

and
let me add...

That while life's storm winds may... cause us to stagger from time to time...
As long as i draw breath...

I will in each ones turn... shield their candle's flickering flame...
with my mind.heart.body.and soul.
and not allow it be extinguished...
This is my vow

Ps

I will even carry a flint in my back pocket if needs be :)

I am always 'picking' songs for my kids...

there have been quite a few through the years...

This is a song i chose for her as she came to the end of grade 7...

and even now it sums things up beautifully...! 

'Let the record show...'

Hello...my name is Charmaine and i am a Blogger :)

It seems to me that ALL bloggers post at some point in their journey... the truth...

DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND ME...

all my posts are truthful...and i am sure so are all of theirs...

But it's...

 the. truth. in. isolation.

the truth of... 'that moment'...

 or more accurately...'that feeling'...

that we are choosing to paint-out on the bare canvas of our 'new post'...

some...

more beautifully eloquent...

colourful brushstrokes more sure...

than others...[than me...than mine...]

 So here it is plain and simple...no fancy words needed...

and... 'let the record show'...

My life is not perfect...

no ones is...!

Quite the contrary actually...it's FULL of 'moments' and 'feelings'...  

that i do not enjoy... do not savor... am not proud of...

WISH-AWAY-REACTIONS-THOUGHTS-ACTIONS

horrible times...when...

 i let myself down...

 and even more upsettingly...

let 'my most loved-ones'...  down :(

This blog was born....

 because i struggle deeply with the fact that my child-bearing years...

the WONDER YEARS... are over.......

 Warning - about to be a little dramatic here now...so brace yourself...

For me it's like a poison in my blood...a poison with... no. where. to. go.

at one point i felt like it would surly destroy me....

Ok - about to get a little sidetracked here...

then 3 things happened...i got my camera and fell in love...

at the same time... i got my laptop...that fast became my sidekick :)

And lastly i discovered blogging and bloggers... 

Following other peoples blogs... i am NOT made to feel...inferior... 

I FEEL INSPIRED...UNDERSTOOD...MOVED...TOUCHED...

but mostly it's great fun...to have a window into their world...

people who MAGICALLY put into words...

 'my take'

 on this topsy-turvy thing we call life...

more beautifully than i EVER could...

or

 who teach me...

 something lovely...something precious...

or

show me...

something...marked... 'fragile'...

or

remind me of something i have forgotten about myself...

lying dusty in a dark corner...something important...

'they' shine their light for me to 'see'...

And so... one by one... 'we' tell 'our' truth...

why...

because it's the right thing to do...!

God expects it...!

because 'we' are all 'works of art... in progress'

God's masterpieces...being sculpted by His very hands...

Using our talents...as He instructs us to do...

Discovering ourselves through photos and words...mine and theirs...

as we try to throw light into 'our' shadows...

and together...

 we make the 'light' more...

 and the 'shadows' become less...

for ourselves and for others...

The Change....

Isn't is amazing...the earth just knows...

life is busy with this and that...and we loose track...

or are vaguely aware of  the change...

but the rhythms of the seasons never miss a beat...

Take heart all those who fear that that a deep and bitter Winter 

will never let loose her icy grip on your backyard ...

Here...those that watch [like i]...have noticed...

Spring has packed her bags...and is on her way... 

So it's true...it's Winter's back u still see...

It's soon to be your time...

the awakening has already begun...

the sights and sounds of Summer in all her glory...will follow...

as surely as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west...

And as for us...here on the other side of the world...

We will try to enjoy what there is to enjoy of the colder months... 

warm drinks...stews...deep steam rising bubble baths...hot puddings smothered in custard...

watching the fireside flames...dance...leaves no longer green tossed on my windscreen by a playful but determined wind...that nip in the air that tell her story oh so well...a Winter's sky that is breathtakingly blue...clean, clear and crisp...and still... a golden sunshine will be poured down upon us from the heavens above... a constant companion [NO not our blistering African sun...] she'll give us the cold-shoulder for a while it's true...BUT... she'll still bring comfort and even warmth... as is her way with us...

So enjoy your sparkling Spring and shimmering Summer...for as always...

 these particular visitors are just passing through... 

...the end...

Dear reader...i love Spring and Autumn...the feeling of change about to happen...
what's your best celebrated season...?