18 years is not long enough...

This last little while... she has shifted sharply into focus for me...
it's her last year in high school...

the Matric Farewell excitement is building...
looming ever larger... University on the horizon...
turning 18...and arrival of 'the Boy'...
 :)

Started me thinking...
as she stands on the very edge of childhood...
about to cross the stream...
it has been 'baby steps' that has brought us this far...
along the meandering path that we have traveled as...
a mother and her daughter...
this journey...hers and mine... has had all the expected joys and sorrows....
 and then taken a few unexpected turns too...
we have lived...learned and loved and grown together and each woman in her own right too...

18 years is not long enough to tell her how much she has come to mean to my heart...
not with all the written words in all the books in all of the world are there those perfect words...
not even 18 years of 'expressions of love' can truly convey the depth and breadth of my feelings for her...

 i will naturally keep trying...

the truth i'll tell every time ...

This post is in it's own small way going to reveal some of the big i feel... for her......because u see...
i WILL use all of my words... all of your words... and their words too...
because...
When i love...i LOVE...

This year you have shown me just how BIG your brave is...

remember to help others find their brave too...

                                          

Dance :)

You are one of a kind...remember that <3

Post Script

I will speak words of love, light and truth into her life ... always...

XXX

C

They don't know...

I am crying and hurting...

my child and i are on different pages...

and i realize through the tears that it may be unfair to expect my child to meet me half way...

 if they simply...

just can't...

Just like a mother would not expect a young child to carry a full glass of water across the room without spilling...maybe i can't expect more than this...for now...

They can't possibly know...

HOW MUCH LOVE i put into EVERYTHING I DO...

every conversation...
every time i stop and listen to you...
look at you...

every time i climb behind the wheel to drive them from here to there... and back again...
the hours and hours i sit waiting for them in my car...

every pain and flu tablet i pop out of that blister-pack...

every vitamin and allergy pill i try to remember to give...

every cup of coffee made just they way they like it...

a special treat provided...just because i know you will smile...

every banana with cinnamon or apple with peanut-butter i chop up after 8pm... 

a hug at the right time...

a chewing out...

the times i have been prepared to do battle on your behalf...

the buying of yet another bottle of conditioner because we are looking for the 'right' one...

the plucking of eyebrows...not mine...

every time i stand and watch some new level reached on the computer...not really understanding a word being spoken...but making all the right noises anyway...

walking through the dark cold house in the wee small hours checking that all slumber peacefully...

the time i say "just call me if you need me...if you feel worse during the night" and mean every word...because you are NEVER too much trouble for me...

every load of washing ever washed... dried... ironed...

every single prayer spoken out loud at bedtime or whispered in my car...

the concern for that finger slammed in the car boot today...

the time in the car that i stitched on that button that's fallen off your jacket just as we were leaving for somewhere...

helping you to wash your hair...

having your school uniforms ready on time...

the starting of every difficult conversation...

every photo i take of you...

the sympathy...

THE EMPATHY...because i feel for you...

the times i share my bag of chips or roll of sweets...that last sip of my guava-juice...

the homework help provided...

that water in the glass bottle that i put in the car for long journeys to quench your thirst...glass being safer than plastic...should the car stand out in the sun...

the times i help you make up your mind...even though i want for you to be able to do it yourself...

giving you your space and longing for you at the same time...  

the badly timed trips to the shops to buy that examination pad so desperately needed...

when i say 'just let me know that all is well with you...when you are away from home'

the being there...

being available all the time...

being switched on...

tuned in... 

they just don't know...

 that i put love pure and simple into all i do...

and when things go wrong between us it hurts...

<3<3<3

Mothering Moments...

You know how 'we' always say our little ones are going through... 'this stage' or 'that stage'...?

Well... *breaking news*...

 mothers also go through 'stages'...usually one step BEHIND the kiddies...

am i right or am i right :)

Sometimes when reading the breathtakingly... heartrendingly...beautiful mothering moments
 of others... who experience motherhood as i do...with all the passion of A GREAT LOVE STORY...

I am reminded afresh...not only why i do what i do...

but

of how important EVERYTHING i do is...

every word
every look
every touch
every feeling
every thought
every breath
every...moment...

You see I have been mothering for 18 years now...

 and have seen the sun rise and set on many stages already...

theirs and mine...

One thing i know like i know my children's hearts...

I 

never

 stop 

learning...
growing...
BECOMING...

Parenting 'big kids' is very different from raising up 'little kids'...!

and then there are moments that feel like the 'old days...'

-the worry-the stress-the fear-the tiredness- 

...the having to go with your instincts...

But they are 'fewer and farther between moments'...

Thankfully... the growing...is slow...as is the passage of time...when facing forward anyway...

and you can keep up...well almost :)
Sometimes... we 'look'...but do not 'see'...

Other times... we have no choice...

...an old photo...

and the change in your child reaches out from the past and grabs you by the throat...

and gives you a shake...till your heart aches...

 and you just have to say out loud for all... or no one at all... to hear...
'look how much you have...changed...'

'...traitor mine...'
:)

I had a moment just like this the other day...
a real time...right here and now moment...
an as i blinked moment...

Bianca-Leigh and i went to have our hair done...
some... us time...

We were at different 'stages' [of the process...]
she was leading and i was in hot pursuit...

our hairdresser stood between us...
 putting the finishing touches to Bianca's hair...blocking my view...

Stepping back...
and the great reveal had the maximum effect...

 I actually caught my breath...

the way she looked...   transformed...  
 literally took my breath away...

I am sure i blinked...hard...

i must have smiled...broadly...

as i told her how pretty she looked...
I felt so pleased in that moment...no not pleased...delighted :)

An ordinary moment in motherhood...?

No... my heart knew better...

I had just come face to face with the grown version of my blond haired, blue eyed little girl...
a young woman... not a child... sat there with me...
like an apparition...a lovely albeit unexpected one...
 she was........
 poignantly familiar... but 'beautifully brand new' all at once...and it was as if
 i was standing still on our 'life-line' in time...able to look back along our time together...seeing clearly...and then... with just a turn of my face...like following the arch of the sun through these skies as blue as her eyes...able to face forward...and see only... this moment...
for the rest is still unwritten...

The 'breaking of a new dawn' has splashed gloriously luminous colour across the heavens...

What a joy...these mothering moments are.

<3


Post Script
Mothers must not forget that our lives are running parallel to the lives of our children...
and sometimes if we are mothering with intension our 'life lines' touch and in that touching we feel the love
in all its depth and breadth :)
<3<3<3

Lucky we Float...

It's a pleasant Winters day...

I sit outside alone...the sun is too hot...and i move into the shade...

 i can hear birds... tweeting and flapping occasionally by...

the wind... playing through the branches...

cars... zooming along the double road not far from here...

it's funny how sound travels...

somewhere in the neighborhood...a child's swing squeaks...

as my wind-chimes... sing me a disjointed song...

one i love...

Being a rather visual person...my eye is quite naturally drawn to the beauty of the moment...

be it hard to find...i'll try...

and so it is that my eye falls on the blue water of our pool...

over and over...that... or the realm of the sky that holds all heavenly bodies...

sun, moon and stars...birds and bees... pretty white clouds... and more...

The playful wind is putting on a show for me...

birds that glide elegantly overhead...leaves dancing... still on the twig...

Bradley's blue ball floating in the pool is being pushed and pulled...

this way then that...

I watch that ball...as it slips and slides... 

over it's cool blue dance floor...

changing direction in a heartbeat... that ball... a dancer ...the breeze... the music...

and the thought occurs...

that body of water is like 'this thing we call life'...

large-beautiful-deeper here than over there-meant to be enjoyed-'jumped into'...

...boots and all...

and 'we' are that ball...

at the mercy of the winds of war-peace-love-joy-sorrow-circumstance...

thinking we have 'control'...but in truth having to accede defeat...

we are no more in control than Bradley's ball is...

most of the time we can just be lucky we 'float'...

xxx 

Reflections...

Getting to the gym is hard...

It's not my favorite place...

But i am trying...

Today...i walked on the treadmill...

When i am there i like to watch the swimmers in the pool below...

Today there are two of them...
like

chalk and cheese...

one is young...fit and strong...

graceful...

naturally his swimming style suits his look...

the other is ...
not young...

she struggles along in her awkward way...

as she pulls herself through the water...
struggling...

slow...

As i watch...and walk...and think...and feel...

my eye falls on her... more often... than on him...
surprisingly...

The sunlight from the impossibly tall windows...
dances on the waters as they slip through them...
sending reflections... of one kind... and another, up to us...

She is SUCH an inspiration...
her body is... not 'whole'...
her legs are... twisted and scarred...
speaking out loud... her story...
and yet...
she is beautiful...
in spirit - in strength - in determination

she knows what is good for her and she will just...
keep on... keeping on!
unashamedly

xxx